The now-famously leaked security tape showing Jay Z getting a beat-down in a hotel elevator from his sister-in-law, allegedly for talking too long to a female that wasn’t Beyonce, should remind all of us that Cameras Are Everywhere.
I’m sure we all agree that there will be ramifications from this incident that affect us all. First of all, by royal edict, Jay Z will now own every single elevator in the United States, even the ones in hospitals and nursing homes because, well, you can’t be too careful when you got some crazy woman jumping on you like a spider monkey as soon as the doors close.
I know that I certainly no longer step into an elevator without looking up and around for cameras. And Solange. Who apparently has a very short fuse.
On streets, in stores, everywhere, we are being watched and, like they say, it ain’t paranoia if it’s true.
Never miss a local story.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, now we learn that the FBI says half a million computers, like the magic one I’m using right this second, are infected with malware. (Fun fact: “mal” is Spanish for bad if I remember my high school Spanish correctly. Either that or “banana.”) The FBI reports that hackers have been looking at us through those handy webcams inside our computers. Yes! The very ones that we use to video chat once a week with Grandma because she’s so proud that she has “the Skype” now.
So it’s not just elevators we have to worry about now. We have to know that there is a possibility that somebody is watching our every move from our very own computers! One poor victim discovered that a perv was selling nude photos of her taken from her own hacked webcam.
This is the most terrifying revelation since the “The call is coming from inside the house” in those old babysitter slasher movies when the cops trace the phone call. Must I now make sure to cover up every time I walk by the computer? Or maybe you can just throw a blanket over your computer when you’re not using it? I don’t dare tell Aunt Verlie about any of this because she has told me for years that I should take an ax to my computer because “It knows too much.” Ha ha. So does Ken Jennings but that seems like kind of an overreaction, am I right?
The so-called “BlackShades” criminal software, which also allows hackers to steal all of your personal information and even force you to pay ransom to get back your own files that it has encrypted, is owned by a 24-year-old Swedish man. Swedish! I have to say that I am sorely disappointed. I thought Swedes were only interested in cheese and noisy clocks and bringing peace to the world. Why you little … Alex Yucel, if I could just get you in an elevator with Solange Knowles for just three point five minutes …