Moral support not to do something amoral – it’s meta-morality!
So here goes: You know using this tidbit against your co-worker would be wrong ethically, and you know that just because someone is pompous and inconsiderate doesn’t mean that she deserves to be the target of an anonymous, vitriolic attack that violates her privacy and humiliates her. (What is this, the Internet?)
It would also come back to you, somehow, some way, whether through karma, guilt, or it actually being traced back to you and getting you into trouble.
By all means, deal with her insensitivity and ego by standing up for yourself and calling her on it. But doing something like this? That’s not going to prove anything except you’re capable of worse behavior than she is.
So he claims that he has anger problems, and they make him say cruel things he doesn’t really mean, but that counseling won’t work. I suppose the sitting-on-his-rump-doing-nothing-instead technique is winning awards for its efficacy?
I am bothered less by your history (though it’s a doozy) than by his seeming unwillingness to work toward the future. It will take a lot of effort to work together toward a healthier path. If he won’t go to counseling, then you go alone. And please don’t even think of Baby No. 3 until – hmm. For now, let’s just leave it at “Don’t.”