I've got two words for Tiger Woods ... Larry King.
Never miss a local story.
Because if you're a celebrity in a big mess, you should go on TV, get it out on the table, answer all the questions, and leave the media with nowhere else to go. You end it. And not with Barbara Walters, or Katie Couric, or even Oprah.
Barbara's just going to make you feel worse than you do. She'll go through everything you did right and how you had it all. And you feel pretty good. But then she asks how you feel to have ruined everything. And then you cry. Don't do it.
Katie Couric. I saw the interview she did with Sarah Palin. And like Sarah, I can't answer what magazines and newspapers I read to learn about foreign policy. Because when you have kids, every policy from bedtime to movie ratings is foreign to me. And I don't think Parents magazine is the answer Katie's looking for.
Oprah is hyper-prepared. She sets up her question by detailing everything she already knows. So when she finally gets to the actual question, you say way more than you should, trying to prove you actually do know a thing or two about yourself.
And don't do an interview in your home. John Edwards did that with Bob Woodward when he admitted to, I don't know, something he did. But I was so captivated by the fireplace behind him. There were these really cool copper pots on the hearth, and this Japanese screen and some candlesticks. It was lovely the way it was arranged.
And then Oprah interviewed his wife, Elizabeth, at their home, about whatever it was he did, and I got to see the living room and her beautiful fabrics. That's probably why there are still so many questions about John Edwards. Because we weren't paying attention the first time. And I think we're all hoping to see the kitchen.
So. Larry King. If you gotta go on TV and air your dirty laundry, this is the place for you. You're on a black set, sitting at a desk. No sofas, or overstuffed chairs to disarm you and make you feel vulnerable. Just you, in the interrogation seat, ready to spew your story.
And very close up, I might add. A tight shot around your face - head and shoulders at the most. Which is great, because there is no room for body language analysis. You can pick your cuticles, while your foot twitches, and still look cool as a cucumber on camera.
Larry, for his part, is notoriously unprepared. So for one hour you're peppered with every single question, from the intuitive to the ridiculous. There's no crying, no sympathy, no sappy music, Kleenex, or water glasses. Just clunky coffee mugs and a mic. A no-frills, down-and-dirty interview. We get to see your face. You get to tell your story. And then it's over.
That's totally what Tiger should do. But then again, it might not be any of our business.