Flipping through Good Housekeeping, I can't resist a blurb called "The Botox Bonus."
It says a Cardiff University study of 25 women found those who got Botox were happier than gals who had other cosmetic treatments. But not because they looked better. But because the shots made it harder to convey negative emotions, and the less you scowl or frown, the more upbeat you feel.
So that's how to get happy? Make it physically impossible to express discontent? Good to know. Because there are plenty of ways to restrict yourself.
Like it's pretty hard to paint on a smile with lipstick, but if you put the lipstick inside your mouth horizontally between your cheeks, you've got a permanent smile that will never leave your face.
A brutally tight ponytail will pull those eyebrows right up to your hair line. So when your friend is babbling on at the grocery store, your eyes stay wide with excitement - your brows, high in anticipation - completely fixated, on just how it is she plans to fix her tennis serve. No more rude eye-rolling, impatient glances at your watch, or searches for an exit.
I tend to shake my finger at my kids. And shake other fingers at people who won't let me change lanes. A Chinese finger trap would do the trick. Once your index fingers are in that cylinder, in those woven bamboo strips, you're not waving at anyone. Plus, you can't put your hands on your hips, or spank, or throw dirty clothes at your children when they won't pick them up off the floor.
Ever turn your head so no one can see your snarky reaction? A neck brace will cure that. Over the shoulder scoffs or turns toward a friend's ear to make that sarcastic comment are not gonna make you feel jubilant. Need to tame that. Use a pretty scarf to blend the brace with your outfit.
And if you're one to yell, shout or raise your voice, you can tighten the neck brace to squeeze your voice box so you can't get enough air behind it. That way you always have that sweet, little raspy voice.
Better yet, just replace your voice box with a soundtrack of happy songs. So everywhere you go, you spew upbeat songs like "I'm Walking On Sunshine," "Put On A Happy Face" and "Shiny, Happy, People".
I'd invest in a three-inch heel. So you can't stomp around, storm out of a room, or run to avoid your tennis buddy. Get yourself some Cole Haan Nike Air high heels, and you'll have instant bounce in your step.
And when the checkout girl tells you they are $328, you won't be able to scream or pitch a fit, because of your Botox, ponytail, lipstick, neck brace and Chinese finger trap.
But I would just start with the Botox. ...