I let my kids decorate the Christmas tree this year. But then I realize they are decorating in sections.
One section has all of the ornaments with our initials on them. My first grader calls it the "letter section." But it looks more like the alphabet drank too much eggnog and collided with a pine tree.
Then there's the "sparkly section" - all things shiny and glittery - hanging on one single branch. Eleven ornaments bending that lower branch clear down to the floor. It almost looks like a slide - the perfect escape route for any angels in the above "angel section" to use, in the event the "letter section" starts spelling naughty words.
The elves in the "elf section" seem pretty happy. They speak the same jingly language and are off at least one hook this Christmas, not having to work in Santa's shop. I'm sure it's much more fun watching us fight over who gets to plug in the tree every morning than it is hammering toy trains together in sub-zero temps.
We're having some trouble in the "Christmas specials section." Burgermeister Meisterburger is a just a pain in the rear. I don't know what his problem is, but he just can't seem to get on board with the holidays.
Rudolph is still mad at his parents for ruining his childhood, Frosty is scared to death of the Abominable Snowman, and don't even get me started on Heat Miser and Snow Miser. I was going to split those two up, but the Grinch offered to do some anger management with them. And if that doesn't work, Shrek said he's got some ideas. I just don't have time for it.
But the "Clemson section" - those ornaments are pretty happy. They all play for the same team, and while they lost the ACC championship, they got a new addition this year: a purple piece of stained glass with an orange Clemson paw in the middle. They're psyched.
And the "Nativity scene section" - it's like a progressive Christmas party over there. They keep going over to each other's stables to see how big their baby is. The Josephs keep wanting to hang out together, but the Marys don't like being home alone with all those animals. I don't blame them.
I wouldn't mind having a section of my own. A little "mom section." I'd have a little glittery high heel ornament, and a little pair of skis 'cause I love to ski, and an Eiffel tower, 'cause I'd love to go to Paris.
But c'mon. My section would have a little washing machine, a tiny frying pan, SpongeBob and a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol. I waive my right to a section.
But look, I gotta go. Meisterburger's at it again, and the only way to punish him is to put him at the top of the tree. He can't stand it. Oddly, he's afraid of heights.