What's today's breakfast? Try two chicks on a raft

10/11/2009 12:00 PM

11/17/2010 4:19 PM

So the lawsuit against Jerry Seinfeld's wife was finally dropped. A judge dismissed a plagiarism suit over her book "Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Getting Your Kids Eating Good Food" that was brought by Missy Chase Lapine, who wrote "The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids' Favorite Meals."

Have these gals never been to Waffle House? It's not what you put in it - it's what you call it. My kids aren't fans of eggs on toast, but they get real excited about "two chicks on a raft."

Well ... we TRIED to use diner slang to hide what we were making. But "dough well-done with cow to cover" seemed like a lot to remember for buttered toast. And buttered toast with jam? "Shingle with a shimmy and a shake." Way too much at 7 a.m.

So we developed our own lingo. We have our staples that the kids will eat. And any variation of a staple becomes "special." Like hamburger is hamburger. But "special hamburger" is steak. And we also lifted the Waffle House hash brown jargon: "scattered," "smothered," "covered," "chunked," "diced," "peppered," "capped" and "topped." Put a couple of quarters in the jukebox and we're ready to roll.

We serve ham. And special ham (barbecue). And special ham, smothered (barbecue with sauce.) We got pizza. And special pizza (lasagna). And special pizza, covered (eggplant marinara).

We got hot dog and special hot dog (pork). And special hot dog, smothered and capped (pork tenderloin with mustard on a roll).

There's chicken. And chicken covered and smothered (chicken parmesan). And we do a chicken smothered, diced, chunked and peppered (chicken salad).

We serve special chicken (turkey). And we make special chicken smothered, covered and capped (turkey wrap with cheese).

We eat eggs. And special eggs (egg beaters). Special eggs scattered, smothered, diced and capped (low-fat omelet).

But my favorite is the special hamburger scattered, smothered, covered, diced, chunked, topped, capped and peppered. That's a casserole. Made out of all the leftovers in the fridge.

And we've got all our vegetables in there, too. We've got beans. And your special beans (peas, broccoli, sprouts and succotash). And they always come smothered in shredded cheese.

We got your carrots. And your special carrots (celery). And they always come covered in humus or ranch dressing.

And I'm telling you, this really works. Why sneak spinach into a brownie when you can hide it in plain sight under a little balsamic?

After we creep away from the kids' devious dining experience, we're pretty hungry ourselves. The Husband hollers "burn one, take it through the garden and pin a rose on it!" Ah, hamburger with lettuce, tomato and onion. And I try to decide between a nervous pudding (Jell-O) or a bucket of cold mud (chocolate ice cream). Mud wins every time.

Then I get me some dog soup (water). And I get The Husband his lumber (toothpick). And we call it a night. Deviously, done.

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