My Carolina sky is no longer brilliantly blue; it is more of a gunmetal grey, reflecting the mood of my soul… Any warmth I felt ran off with the waning sunlight; an icy chill has seeped into my bones… How do I rid myself of such a cold, when it radiates from inside of me?
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Sometimes the things you must face in this life are just plain hard. Unreasonable. Unfair. The sort of decisions which push you to the very brink of madness, testing the limits of what you believe to be real and right and true… Difficult things which challenge your ability to endure and your will to carry on…
The holiday season has ratcheted into high gear; everywhere I look, people bustle about, intent upon their business at hand. I note the purposeful strides and confident airs of those scurrying about; I am alone in my agitation. While the world moves forward with traditions and preparations, I find myself at a standstill, completely focused upon one single detail... A purchase, an acquisition if you will, that must be dealt with. Whether I want to or not.
Maybe we should have handled this sooner, who knows what the correct timing is? Certainly not me… It’s not as though we haven’t had discussions, contemplated, and then rejected ideas, scrutinized possibilities down to the tiniest detail. We have. Repeatedly. But acting upon our final decision makes it real…
Indescribable pain… Torturous… The effort of finding the right words, trying to sum up the life of your child through a mere verse, staking claim to his final resting place… What do you say? What do you put on a grave marker? Something suggestive of the darkness that threatens to pull you under? A statement of faith that you cannot feel but truly believe? A few inadequate lines to represent all of his spirit, his essence?
Today I forced myself to do what had to be done. I decided to spare my husband the additional anguish of this task… John battles thoughts every day of Brian being alone, underground, in a cold, dark place… The finality of placing Brian’s name upon this barren patch of earth is something he didn’t need to experience. How could I do it? Because I know my son is not there; he is somewhere far, far better…
Wishing you hope…tg
Thanks to Darin Morton of State Farm Insurance, we have additional ‘Remember Brian’ bracelets to share; please send your request and mailing address to email@example.com .
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays. -- Jen, site administrator