Is it the ground shaking beneath my feet? If only. A quick, furtive glance around confirms it. Once again, it’s just me, swaying slightly under the load of today’s demands.
One of the hardest things to accept is constantly feeling off kilter, as though something is waiting to ambush me around each and ever corner. The slightest bump sends me reeling, crashing to the ground, shattering anew. Is this what a toddler feels like when learning to take their first steps? I have to believe so, only I have no curiosity and wonder; I keep hanging on, pretending to care about the world beyond my own purview… I don’t know how to even begin to embrace who I’ve become…
When the sadness settles over me like this, it is hard to break free of its stranglehold. I can hardly wait for spring to arrive; I’m sick of these short, cold days, of being cooped up inside with little to no exercise or fresh air, no company beyond my immediate household, no signs of life in my yard or my spouse, and apparently nothing to look forward to, beyond this steady diet of anxiety anchoring depression in place.
Still, how sweet it can be when something clicks into place; I have forgotten what that’s like. The planets aren’t suddenly aligned in my favor and all is not perfectly right in our world, but finally, an encouraging development for a change. A big reason to smile. Not over the specific behavior itself, but because it represents progress… Grace decided to find her voice and talk about losing her best friend, her beloved brother, to her Butler ‘family’. She took the initiative to share her ideas with Butler’s DREAM TEAM and their coach, Ms. Prevatte. They have scheduled time next week to record a brief video of Grace that will be shown as part of an upcoming assembly focused on safe teen driving. This is the very first time she has shown interest in doing anything positive since the accident. There’s a tiny bit of my mommy-worrywart self that’s a little freaked out by the suddenness of her pronouncement. I’m hearing an intermittent refrain of ‘Be careful what you wish for’ in the background of my mind; fortunately, the choir singing ‘Hallelujah’ front and center is drowning it out most of the time.
Enough, already. Back to the basics: everything happens for a reason, there IS a bigger plan, in everything give thanks, and Phil. 4:13. Tomorrow is a brand new day…
Wishing you blessings and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays. -- Jen, site administrator