Yoga "pants" pose a problem in public

02/20/2014 10:40 AM

02/20/2014 10:45 AM

Ladies Yoga pants are not pants! They’re just not. Much like tie-dye has nothing to do with neckties, and gumshoes have nothing to do with shoes (or gum), yoga pants have nothing to do with pants, slacks or trousers and shouldn’t be worn as such.

They’re bottoms. Covering bottoms. For the purpose of being covered up during your high lunge, your half moon, your revolved triangle, and for heaven’s sake, your downward facing dog.

They are not for the purpose of running errands. Don’t come bopping into the elementary school wearing bottoms when the dress code calls for pants that fit at the waist and skirts that hit at the knee. You’re wearing the equivalent of pantyhose.

They’re tight, they’re shimmery, and the top’s controlled. They don’t have feet, but you line dry them, just the same.

If you can keep them out of the dryer, you can keep them out of the school. And out of Starbucks. Which is where I learned this lesson, when I scooted in line for coffee after yoga and the guy behind me said, “I like it when girls wear yoga bottoms as pants. I wish they did it all the time.”

Really? You do? Is it because they make us move faster through the Starbucks line? I’m guessing that’s not it, but thank you for making the distinction between bottoms and pants. And a case for a full-length coat.

So keep your bottoms out of Starbucks. And out of the grocery store. I can hear people ask you if you just came from yoga and you say no, you threw on your yoga pants because they’re just so comfortable.

Which I don’t get, how can you be comfortable, you’re wearing spandex and your butt’s hanging out in the frozen foods section. Aren’t you cold? When you open the freezer to reach for Lean Cuisines don’t you feel a chill? Slip on some sweats. They’re warmer and I promise you they keep the teenage boys from suddenly looking for Lean Cuisine pizza.

Try warm-up pants, because what you required for an intense side stretch is not needed to reach for the spaghetti sauce. If you need to stretch that intensely, I suggest you put on your heels.

But don’t think that by putting on heels with your yoga pants, you’re going to fool anyone into thinking they’re leggings. Because yoga bottoms are skin-tight and shiny. This is the grocery store, not “A Chorus Line.”

Although I have to say the last time I was shopping behind a gal wearing yoga pants, I didn’t buy much. Not much at all. First time we ever had mineral water and kale for dinner. And I went to yoga every day that week.

So, all right. You can wear your yoga bottoms to the grocery store.

Just call me and let me know when you’ll be there.

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