Ahead of this week’s Masters golf tournament, ESPN.com conducted an anonymous survey. They asked 103 pro golfers questions like, “Will Rory McIlroy complete a career Grand Slam this week? (28 said yes.) Will Tiger Woods win another major championship? (64 said yes.) And then there was this …
“___________ is in a fight in the parking lot. You’re not helping him.”
Yep. And of the 103 golfers asked this hard-hitting question, a whopping 23 answered Bubba Watson. Patrick Reed wasn’t even a close second, with 11 percent of the vote, making Bubba the least popular player on the PGA tour.
There are so many things wrong with this. Why is this even a question? Golfers aren’t exactly fighters, that’s why they’re golfers. They don’t want to wear pads or helmets – or be hit, tackled and fouled on every play. They want to wear slacks. And collared shirts. Use their own personal ball, walk quietly on lush grass, and have somebody else carry their stuff. They aren’t exactly brutes.
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And when are they ever in a parking lot? The question posed to all these golfers established there’s a fight happening in the parking lot. So unless they all ended up at the same steakhouse, this is presumably taking place at a tournament. And those guys are always either on the course, on the putting green or in the clubhouse. They probably don’t even have a car there.
And how would he even be able to get into a fight? He doesn’t talk to anyone but his caddie. Even if they did brawl – say the caddie handed him an 8 iron instead of the 5 – they wouldn’t take it all the way out to the parking lot. The Budweiser tent’s much closer. But the point is, he can’t just punch out his caddie. Who would carry his bag?
But let’s say one of the volunteers – like one of those marshals who holds up the “Quiet Please” sign – invites Bubba to fight in the parking lot before rounding the back nine. Bubba’s got a bag full of clubs and a glove to hide all the fingerprints. I don’t think he needs help.
Even if he did, he can’t just call out for somebody to “go get Tiger!” or “grab Ernie Els, and tell him to bring his belly putter!” Because you can’t get into the clubhouse without a pass. You just can’t.
And if Watson’s approaching the 10th hole, only the worst players are finished. And it’s not likely they’re gonna wanna help the guy who’s won two of the last three at Augusta; they want him taken out.
So none of this makes sense. It’s a ridiculous question. People who fight in parking lots don’t have a lifelong dream of winning a green blazer. And golfers can’t hang out in parking lots even if they wanted to …
That asphalt is hell on their cleats.