I know what I want to be for Halloween. I’m going to go as Perfect Mom. It’s the best costume, and the only day of the year I can dress up as somebody I’ve always wanted to be. Surely Party City carries this costume …
Party City doesn’t carry Perfect Mom. Which is weird because it’s got all the costumes that make up Perfect Mom – Wonder Woman, Mrs. Incredible, Sassy Maid, Fortune Teller, Shakedown Sheriff, Dazzling Ringmaster, Renaissance Maiden and Divine Goddess.
Oh well, the homemade costumes are the best anyway. I’m gonna start with a pantsuit. Pantsuits say working mom AND stay-at-home mom (when you take off the jacket and heels). It also covers PTA meetings, teacher conferences, a committee meeting at the church and a Moms@Work luncheon. It’s pretty versatile.
Paired with an Aerosole wedge, I can walk, run and climb over fences to get the soccer ball. I don’t need a belt, but I think Perfect Mom wears one in case she has to lasso a pet, administer a tourniquet, or pull a child out of a well.
My sensible, sturdy purse will have everything Perfect Mom needs in a day. Which is a credit card, quarters, hand sanitizer, Motrin and a smartphone with contact numbers for anyone I would ever need to call in this life. And their email address. And their birthdays. Perfect Mom always knows everybody’s birthday.
Add to that a first aid kit, goldfish crackers, a juice box and a list of answers to every question. The sharpened pencil we can never find at homework time. The school calendar, the practice schedules and a pickle jar, to show that I can open anything. And all my children’s hopes and dreams so that I can produce them at a moments notice.
My hair I’m gonna cut, color and coif. And I’ll need to tape my eyebrows up a bit, so I have that happy-surprised-excited look. All the time. Probably need to pluck them first. Little Vaseline on the teeth to give them that shine and a little sparkle. On second thought, I’ll probably need to go easy on that eyebrow tape, because I’ll need to wink, Perfect Mom always winks.
I’ll get a manicure, pedicure and a trainer so I’ll look good. I’ll eat salmon, kale and blueberries so I’ll feel good. And then in one hand I’ll have a birthday cake I baked from scratch. And in the other, a framed portrait of my family. That I needlepointed.
Then I’ll walk the neighborhood singing the soundtrack from “Frozen.” While all the other moms beg me to tell them how I crafted that pinata made out of leftover candy last year. And how I do it all, have it all, and look so good doing it.
I don’t know, maybe I’ll just get the Wonder Woman costume. It’s just one piece. And then I can wear the cool boots.