These are the words that fathers never say:
▪ Why not keep living here? Think of the money you’ll save on rent.
▪ I’ve seen bigger dents.
▪ Turn the music up!
▪ Tell me everything about what a cad your boyfriend has been. When you share these things with your mother, she just boils it down to a sentence or two, which I hate.
▪ Oh thanks. I look forward all year to a new bottle of Old Spice.
▪ Oh, don’t worry about it. Your grandfather is still laughing about the time he had to bail me out.
▪ You really look cute on the back of his Harley.
▪ Go ahead and keep on playing video games with your friends. I’m pretty sure the Red Sox play the Yankees again in a couple months.
▪ Deer are so smart.
▪ There’s no need to lay on the horn. She’s obviously unaware of the green light because she’s composing an important text.
▪ This guy knows what he’s talking about or he wouldn’t be a TV meteorologist. So let’s go lay down in a ditch to escape the cyclone.
▪ That is one super-ugly 1964 candy-apple red, Muncie four-speed V-8 Corvette Stingray.
▪ I wish they could figure out a way to extend the NBA playoffs a couple more months.
▪ Get down out of that tree, you kids! Climbing up there it could be dangerous.
▪ Let’s go to one of those restaurants with a big salad bar.
▪ When I was your age, we had more money than we could count.
▪ I don’t know why you’re asking me. I have no advice for you on selecting your first car.
▪ Here’s tickets to the game. I feel like staying home and writing poetry.
▪ No, your mother is all wrong. Go ahead and stay out as late as you want.
▪ Of course you’re old enough to set off fireworks with your friends.
▪ We’ll have the wedding reception wherever you want. Money is no object.
▪ You must be bushed after partying so late last night. I’ll take care of mowing the grass.
▪ I’m not very good at driving a boat.
▪ We’ve got a great cable company.
▪ You don’t need another haircut.