Spin-free zone? You've come to wrong place

09/10/2008 12:00 AM

09/09/2008 10:47 PM

It's time to review key accounts here at our highly successful public relations agency, Not A Clue Ltd.

We're quite proud of our latest coup. We call it raceway rage. It's pure genius.

Remember how we got Bruton Smith to claim he'd pick up his speedway and move it somewhere else unless the government made it rain money? And they fell for it?

Now Bruton's going to claim he's the one that got snookered.

Please, please, hold your applause.

Yep, he's going to maintain that the $80million in tax and other incentives needs to be paid off in 36 months. Public servants are thinking more like 40 years. Can't have that.

We'll just remind folks how the government works – one of those things that can sling money around wildly without accountability.

Speaking of United Way, we've got exciting new initiatives there, too.

It is prudent to ignore requests for a detailed accounting of the personal expenses paid to former CEO Gloria Pace King. You know how the public misinterpreted things when they learned about her secret $2 million retirement deal.

Always remember, our motto here at Not A Clue is “People are morons.”

I needn't remind you that people are such morons that they can't be expected to read and grasp the significance of a car lease, hotel bill or restaurant check. They simply don't live in a world where they encounter such complicated things.

Thus our talking point on this silly expense-account business and all future United Way inquiries shall be this: All the facts need to be released “in an orderly way.” You can't hand out “raw information” until it's put in “context.”

They will understand this. They all watch Maury. They'll think we've got their best interests at heart. And they'll forget about it in a couple hours, believe me. Because they're morons.

Our new political account, for vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, is a boffo success. We've managed to sketch her as a moose-eating, bear-rasslin', pitbull hockey mom.

Our latest strategy is to keep her away from the press, claiming that reporters might not treat her gently enough. Folks are buying it, too. Remember our motto.

David Hoyle, the Gaston developer and state senator, is looking to us for advice. See, he bought a couple hundred acres right next to this toll road he's been pushing in the legislature. As luck would have it, his land turns out to be within a cow's moo of one of the exits.

We have devised a clever PR strategy to explain away this everyday coincidence. Whenever he is asked about it, Hoyle will act astonished and say, “I haven't even looked at a map.”

Not A Clue has more success stories stuffed in our portfolio, but I've got a conference call with Ric Flair's people. Something about an unrigged match.

About Mark Washburn

Mark Washburn

@washburnchobs

Mark Washburn writes television and radio commentary for The Charlotte Observer.

Email Mark at mwashburn@charlotteobserver.com or call him at 704-358-5007

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