Washburn: At least set the PJ Hairston story at Trader Joe’s

07/12/2014 3:21 PM

07/12/2014 11:00 PM

Dad-dee, tell me a story.

OK. Once upon a Friday night, a new pro basketball player named P.J. Hairston went to the Fresh Market to buy fruit.

No, Dad-dee. Tell a better story. New pro players do not go to Fresh Market on Friday nights to buy fruit.

I know, but that’s how this story goes. So he goes to the Fresh Market in Chapel Hill on Friday night to buy fruit, and he runs into Josh Gordon of the Cleveland Browns.

Dad-dee, your story is too crazy already. Tell a real story.

Just wait. So they meet and get to talking, then they walk outside and somehow Gordon sees Hairston’s car. Gordon suggests they trade cars for awhile.

No, Dad-dee. Tell a story about grown-ups.

These are grown-ups. So Gordon takes P.J.’s Cadillac Escalade and P.J. takes Gordon’s Mercedes.

What does P.J. stand for?

Profound Judgment?

Dad-dee, if a man you just met at Fresh Market wanted to trade his shiny new Mercedes for your old Dodge minivan full of child booster seats and Animal Cracker crumbs, would you do it?

Of course not, but P.J. likes to be generous, so he did it. And they drove off in each other’s cars.

See, Dad-dee, this is why your story is no good, because even I know something bad is going to happen with the cars, and I’m only 5.

Yeah, well, you’re right.

Gordon gets arrested in the Mercedes a few hours later and is charged with drunken driving. And the guy who bails him out of jail is a party promoter named “Fats,” who just happens to be the same guy who improperly got P.J. a car back when he played for Carolina. But, see, P.J. didn’t know anything about “Fats” and Gordon being together.

Dad-dee, your story is just nonsense. And what’s a “party promoter,” anyway?

Nobody really knows. I think it’s like a personal shopper of some sort.

OK, Dad-dee, let’s try it again. Tell me a story, and make it realistic. If the people are going to do odd things, you need to throw in some magicians or wizards. That way it would at least be believable.

About Mark Washburn

Mark Washburn

@washburnchobs

Mark Washburn writes television and radio commentary for The Charlotte Observer.

Email Mark at mwashburn@charlotteobserver.com or call him at 704-358-5007

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