WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – News item: Guests and members at President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club had ringside seats at the club’s open-air terrace recently when the president and visiting Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe huddled with their teams to craft a response to a provocative missile launch by North Korea.
Club patrons snapped photos of the men as Trump and Abe conducted their top-secret business at the dinner table while staffers spoke on cellphones, displayed documents on the dinner table by cellphone light, and kept the “nuclear football” nearby.
From: Mar-a-Lago Management Team
To: All members
Subject: New premium membership opportunities
We’ve been fielding lots of calls about the North Korean missile crisis that played out at the club last weekend. Many members have expressed just how fun it was to be there for it, and wanted to reserve seating for future international calamities that may play out during presidential weekends at the club.
With the biggest hit of the social season on our hands, we’ve put together some premium-level packages for members to consider.
Reserve your ringside seat today, while supplies – and this administration – last.
The Dr. Strangelove Package:
Guaranteed seating on the lanai within 30 minutes of first CNN news alert. Regular updates on crisis event from one of the H-2B visa program foreign workers from Romania who are servers on the president’s table.
Selfie with Reince Priebus or Kellyanne Conway, subject to availability due to alternate travel plans, prior dancing commitments in the ballroom, or sudden resignations.
Price: $20,000 per year; includes valet parking coupon.
The Day After Package:
When crisis erupts, you will be notified by phone, and asked to be in place within 15 minutes. Your choice of two prime locations: Pick to be seated next to first lady Melania Trump or the nuclear football.
Either way, you’re bound to have an evening you won’t forget, unless you are asked about it at a later date by a congressional sub-committee.
Photos are allowed with the nuclear football. But only if it remains in its case. If out of the case, please move directly to bomb shelter in Dina Merrill’s childhood bedroom inside the main house.
Price: $50,000 per year; includes back lawn parking pass and private radiation decontamination shower, if needed.
The Bedford Incident Package:
Entitles you and your guest to media credentials that allow you to be part of the “fake media” contingent at the gathering. See what it’s like to be among the despicable White House press corps during a national crisis.
Package features being called on during press briefing by the president (sample questions that focus on how amazing he is doing are provided), free transportation to and from Bingham Island, and a newsletter subscription to Breitbart News.
Price: $65,000 per year; includes candlelight lobster dinner inside the luxurious “news van” parked near the portico.
The Fail Safe Package:
Guaranteed standing room next to president’s table when he makes the decision whether or not to launch. Due to limited space, reservations are a must. Trump 2020 Patriot Level ($100,000) contributors have priority.
Your close proximity to history will allow you to provide extra light on documents, obtain the president’s autograph on a napkin, and proof-read outgoing POTUS tweets for spelling errors.
Price: $80,000 per year; includes two complimentary Trump-i-tinis and ground-floor investment opportunities in future seized-Iraqi-oil ventures.