President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Apparently Trump still hasn’t forgiven Comey for making him president.
“Sally Yates said she warned White House officials about Mike Flynn being compromised by the Russians. Yates also tried to warn Mike Pence, but every time she entered the room he yelled, ‘Out, temptress!’ ”
“Kim Jong Un hurled a series of insults at Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. In a related story, Fox News has finally found its replacement for Bill O’Reilly.”
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“Former President Obama said, ‘You get the politicians you deserve.’ When the bartender tried to cut him off, Obama said, ‘I’m FIIIINE!’ ”
“We have apparently elected a president who truly does not care what anything looks like. Which is surprising for a guy whose actual face we’ve never seen.”
“The word is, Trump’s been planning to fire Comey for at least a week. And he evidently asked Attorney General Jeff Sessions to come up with reasons to fire him. So that’s why the Department of Justice is now the Department of Justification.”
“He fired the guy who is investigating him. You know when we said Trump should act more presidential? We probably should have specified we didn’t mean Nixon.”
“While all this nonsense is going on in Washington, President Obama is in Italy sporting a very casual new look. He hasn’t been buttoning his shirt lately. I think he’s auditioning to be the new Dos Equis spokesman. He seems to be enjoying his time away from the White House almost as much as Donald Trump is hating his time in it.”
“Vladimir Putin said that Russia had nothing to do with the firing of F.B.I. director James Comey. And you can tell, because Comey’s alive.”
“A Toyota set a record for world’s fastest SUV after going 230 miles per hour. It was driven by a mom who forgot her kid at soccer practice.”