“According to The Washington Post, controversial Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore reportedly engaged in inappropriate sexual conduct with an underage girl when he was 32 years old. Politics is so full of perverts and deviants, I’m just so glad I work in comedy. . . . Aw, damn it!”
“Danica Roem became Virginia's first openly transgender person elected to the House of Delegates, defeating Robert Marshall, a conservative Republican who wrote a controversial anti-LGBT bathroom bill. So bad news, Robert. She did get to choose her own bathroom, and she chose the one in your old office.”
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“There is nothing more important to me than gun control. Look, I would love to not talk about gun massacres, but we can’t ignore them. That’s Congress’s job.”
“At this point, we’re going to need a new Oscar category this year: best actor whose movies we can’t watch anymore. And you know, in fact, at this point, now that I think about it, all the women in Hollywood should win double Oscars for acting like all the men were cool all along.”
“Trump does not play games with how fast he will abandon you. Like, he just quit (Ed Gillespie) out of nowhere. I bet you one day when the U.S. economy crashes, Trump’s gonna be like, ‘What a loser economy. I’ve never even heard of America. I’m from Sweden. Guten tag.’ ”
“President Trump arrived in China, although he kept calling it Thailand, ’cause it’s where they make his ties.”
“One person who said he loved Gillespie was Donald Trump. But the second Gillespie lost, Trump threw him under the tweet-bus. ‘Ed Gillespie worked hard, but did not embrace me or what I stand for.’ Clearly, if he worked hard.”