“Donald Trump’s children released a statement this week calling their father a ‘true visionary and a great mentor.’ And Trump released a statement calling his kids ‘suck-ups’ and ‘not the best.’”
“Sharknado 3 premiered last night and SyFy has already confirmed that there will be a Sharknado Four. It’s like a bad joke that’s gone too far. And you can tell, because Sharknado is now the Republican frontrunner.”
“Sources say the Obama administration is in the ‘final stages’ of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it’s gonna work is, they’re going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course.”
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“The Museum of the Moving Image in New York is opening a new exhibit dedicated to cats that are famous on the internet. So if you love the internet, and you love cats, you’re probably not making it out of the house.”
“One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a ‘phantom candidate’ that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, ‘Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.’”
“Donald Trump has been all over the news this week, but he’s still struggling to be seen as a legitimate candidate by Republicans. In fact, now Trump is threatening to start campaigning as a third-party candidate if the Republican Party doesn’t become more supportive. Of course, a lot of Republicans say you need to give respect to get respect. To which Trump says, ‘Whatever, LOSERS!’”
“Last week, Donald Trump and Lindsey Graham had a beef. What would you call that? Beef jerky.”