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Have you seen Michael Phelps lately? When I saw a picture of him earlier this week looking like member of the Village People, I just about lost it.
Cheese-stache, porn-stache, it doesn't matter what you call it. Ironic facial hair needs to go away.
Before the Phelps fans posse up to pitch me in the pool, I'm not singling out the Olympian. Sadly, he's got plenty of company in the questionable facial hair hall of fame.
Witness Sidney Crosby, captain of the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins, with his tiny, thin moustache during the NHL finals.
Then there's former Charlotte Bobcat Adam Morrison, who paired his wee 'stache with a massive mop of 1970s hair.
Let's move on to entertainers. “Star Trek” star Zachary Quinto recently test drove a pencil-thin moustache that managed to make him look incredibly creepy.
And I'd be remiss if I didn't put an incredible example of fictional facial hair in the mix – Michael Imperioli's muttonchops from the now defunct “Life on Mars” TV series.
It's not that I don't like facial hair. It's the ambiguity that I can't abide.
Do they think it's funny? Or do these otherwise seemingly normal men really think their grooming choices look good?
At least in Imperioli's defense, his train-wreck facial hair was part of his costume for his role as a police detective in the 1970s.
I looked for guidance from my husband, Patrick, who gets an annual itch for big facial hair when fall arrives. And, without fail every year, I have to remind him that a beard reminiscent of Abraham Lincoln isn't cool unless you were the 16th president of the United States.
I don't mind a little scruff (no artful 5 o'clock shadow a la “Miami Vice,” thank you very much), and I think a well-groomed beard is distinguished.
But unless you have the genes and the skills to commit on a Tom Selleck level, please don't.
I'm all for self-expression and for making a statement, but for better or worse, your face is the first thing people see. Consider the message you're sending with your facial hair. Creepy? Artsy? Foolish?
To pull off facial hair with confidence takes quite a bit of self awareness and the ability to ask yourself hard questions while looking in the mirror.
If a few weeks in to growing a moustache, you're still only left with a wispy line of fur on your upper lip, you need to call it a day.
Or if your beard is patchy and uneven, it's time to get the clippers.
Men need to approach facial hair like many women deal with clothing: Just because you can grow the slightest 'stache or impressive Hulk Hogan-esque horseshoe (a moustache with “pipes” that extend on either side of the mouth to the jawline) doesn't mean you should.
Rachel Sutherland: 704-358-5440; rsutherland@charlotteobserver.com
