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CONAN O'BRIEN
"The people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That's right. Yeah, and I don't know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor Hamid Karzai."
"Voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman."
"In one short year, Obama's slogan has gone from, 'Yes, we can,' to 'Wow, this is freakin' hard.'"
"Reporters are saying President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and now photographs show he has lost a lot of weight. Folks, if this is true, then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people."
"There's a new book that's coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had become vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.'"
DAVID LETTERMAN
"You're here on a very special night, ladies and gentlemen. The entire balcony here at the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight is filled with defeated Democrats. Yeah, buddy!"
"Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here's how bad it was for the Democrats -- earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers."
"Bad year for Democrats right now. All the Democrats have left is the presidency, both houses of Congress, and all of Hollywood. That's all they have."
JAY LENO
"Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either."
"Well, the Democratic Party has a new slogan. 'What happened?'"
"In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing."
"Some pictures of President Obama posted on the Internet seem to show the president looking very thin. I get that all the time, too. No, they say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama's one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him."
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after al-Qaida and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see."
"The White House has approved a new plan to pay -- they're going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they're going to try it with Fox News."
