Mark Washburn

On behalf of the citizens of North Carolina, I offer a humble apology to the people of Mississippi.

It is our pleasure to welcome you, Heath Morrison, to our wonderful community.

For a town that likes to brag (“We’re the second-biggest financial center!” “We’ve got the tallest building between Atlanta and Salisbury!”), we’re not making enough of a fuss about the 2012 Bobcats.

Here are the 20 phrases you never hear spoken in Charlotte.

Shipwreck titanic calamity post office Oscar Scott Woody, Edwin Charles Wheeler

Though we appreciate the fact you’re all a bunch of drooling morons, we still want to take time to hold public hearings to get your “input” on what is clearly the best idea of the 21st century.

Those of us in charge of keeping secrets for the “most open and accessible convention in history” (code name: “Open Con”) are furious.

Start some geezer talking about air travel and pretty soon they’re telling you that Back In The Day, flying on an airplane was like being borne around in a sedan chair by well-muscled Persian servants cooing at you to sample the finest food and drink.

“Bracketology” is not a word, so stop saying it. When you hear someone else say it, tell them to knock it off.

Baseball, our easygoing companion in barren summer days when football and basketball shimmer far away, is back on the block.