You don't know how much it pains me to write anything on “Sex Drive,” another teen sex farce that I didn't hear much of a demand for.
This is even more painful considering that we've already been blessed last year with “Superbad,” a far superior, far funnier teen sex farce that put every teen sex farce that came before it to utter shame. You'd think if more of these movies are going to be made, they would step up their game instead of cowering in that movie's shadow.
But alas, some genre flicks are gonna stick with the formula, no matter how bad it makes them look.
Certainly, you know how this goes: Chicago teen/all-around loser Ian (Josh Zuckerman) is in desperate need to lose his virginity. So, he takes a road trip to Knoxville to meet up with his instant-messaging buddy, an allegedly smokin' blonde who goes by Ms. Tasty, in the hopes that he'll finally get to do the deed.
He steals his other brother's '69 GTO, with his best friends – lady-killing cad Lance (Clark Duke, baby-faced, shaggy-haired and unexpressive) and platonic girlfriend Felicia (Amanda Crew, looking way too hot to be hanging out with these spazzes) – in tow.
Along the way, the three go through a series of comically humiliating situations (many of them involving nudity and bodily waste) while dealing with their romantic feelings (Ian is hopelessly sprung on Felicia, who is inexplicably smitten with Lance) and ultimately coming to the conclusion that – surprise! – sex is truly great if you share it with someone you love.
Yeah, OK, whatever.
Based on Andy Behrens' 2006 novel “All the Way,” “Drive” goes through its motions at an agonizingly obvious pace.
It's apparent that co-writer/director Sean Anders is making his own version of Todd Phillips' equally low-brow “Road Trip.” However, with its grating, 108-minute length, “Drive” goes a long way, peppering its journey with pitifully broad asides, to get to its predictable outcome.
In fact, the last 10 minutes, where most of the characters convene in a parking lot for the ridiculous, hyper-accelerated climax, are actually funny enough to stick around for. Whether you want to sit through an hour and a half of the rest is up to you.
The climax, along with snarky performances from James Marsden (as Ian's alpha-male, motocross-racing brother) and Seth Green (as the world's most sarcastic Amish man), are the only things that keep “Drive” from delving into complete awfulness.
But seriously, why do we need this film? While the movie clearly wants to be a throwback to the kind of bawdy sex romp you would've seen back in 1986 (it even uses Kenny Loggins' “Top Gun” theme “Danger Zone” in the soundtrack), the plot and its gags instantly carry the stench of stale datedness.
“Sex Drive” doesn't go anywhere but backward.