Divorce will cost Tiger Woods $750 million

Good for soon-to-be ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods.

Even better for the kids.

Elin Nordegren gets $750 million in her divorce from Woods. That leaves the previous record holder, ex-Mrs. Michael Jordan and her $168 million, in the dust.

Elin gets about $7.5 million per porn star, pancake waitress or pole dancer who heard Tiger's come hither call, "I will wear you out," and promptly put her stamina, and his, to the test.

That's provided, of course, that you go with a conservative estimate of 100-or so worn out mistresses during Wood's six-year marriage to Nordegren, 30. It could be 500, 5,000. Who knows?

But here's the best parts:

First, Tiger's banned from letting any future or current porn star or pancake waitress near his children, aged 3 and 1. They need only meet the new woman in daddy's life if daddy's going to marry her.

How great if this were the rule for mere mortals. Divorce is hard enough for kids. Worse is when parents introduce one new girl/boy friend after another to already confused children. It never works.

Kids must then share a parent's attention. Or kids become attached to that person only to have the relationship fail. Then there's another loss.

Worse: the new girl/boy friend is unkind, even unsavory. How often, when you hear some awful story of child mistreatment, is the slippery boyfriend involved?

Second best part: Elin's banned from yakking about any of this. No books, no weeping to Oprah about what she did, or didn't do, to Tiger in his Cadillac Escalade in the driveway of their Florida home.

Whether she's inclined to or not, Elin Nordegren must maintain a dignified silence, for life. She cannot become a sad public spectacle, like the soon-to-be ex-Mrs. John Edwards.

Divorce is hard enough for kids. Worse is when their famous parents won't shut up.

As for Tiger, I guess he hopes for the day when he's no longer a punchline for Leno, Letterman, Kimmel and Lopez; when "Tail of the Tiger Golf Balls" aren't all the rage at bachelor parties; when airplanes no longer fly "Tiger, Are you My Daddy?" banners over the U.S. Open.

That'll take years. But maybe by the time his kids are old enough to understand this horrible mess, "disgraced" won't always be the adjective preceding their once exalted father's name.