Experience, or lack of it, seems to be a theme of this year's election – which gets me thinking about which White House position I'd be qualified to hold.
Definitely, it'd be press secretary. It's what I do. I learned a long time ago, you can answer questions all day long, or you can lay it all out and be done with it.
I hold my family briefings right after breakfast. That way the children know exactly what's going on and where we stand on the issues. In fact, here's a transcript from yesterday's briefing:
“Good morning. I have some scheduling notes. Today Daddy will be traveling to Greensboro, but he will be back in time for dinner. He'll also be speaking via cell phone to some of the soccer dads regarding practice this Thursday.
Also on the agenda: a meeting with the neighbors regarding pooling our resources for aeration on the South Lawn. And an unscheduled stop at Dick's for a set of shin guards.
I have a couple of changes to report. Due to the energy crisis, bedtime will be pushed up to 7:30 p.m. Mommy simply doesn't have the stamina to go 14 hours with you two every day. But we are confident that by decreasing your day by one hour, Mommy's energy will be restored.
Also, any directive to “get dressed” now includes brushing teeth and hair. Pulling on a shirt and shorts no longer constitutes being dressed and will cause delays in the department of transportation, and education, as you will be late for school.
An important note: I need to emphasize that this administration does not, and will not, ever condone earmarks. Anyone coming home with a pierced ear will be asked to remove the earring immediately, and will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
Also, the CIA will begin investigating the rocks in the bottom of the washing machine. Be prepared to answer questions and to empty your pockets.
Regarding foreign policy: Mommy is being briefed daily on the rules and regulations of kindergarten and the inner workings of the PTA. This is new territory, folks, so we'll get information to you as it becomes available.
Now, a word about the housing situation. If you want to continue living here, you must comply with the laws of the Chore Chart. And excess milk left over in your cereal bowls has created a milk deficit, in which case budget cuts for dairy are imminent.”
That's all I have. I'll take some questions. Yes, son?
Q: Does this mean we can't have cereal anymore?
A: You can have all the cereal you want. You just won't have milk.
Q: Did Daddy say that?
A: Look people, I speak for this administration. If I'm saying it, it comes from both of us.
Q: Can we go color now?
A: That's a great question, which brings me to my final point. Mommy's makeup is not to be used for any coloring, drawing or painting.
Q: What about your lipstick? You said you never use it.
A: This administration does not comment on lipstick. Now, get dressed.