Celia Rivenbark: I wish Hillary would show me how to make emails disappear

While Hillary Clinton’s decision to “erase” 30,000 emails from her private server sent her detractors into foaming-at-the-mouth Benghazi levels of apoplexy, it doesn’t bother me at all. I just want to know how she erased them.

Because everybody always tells me that you can’t truly get rid of anything on your computer. “It’s out there somewhere,” they say mysteriously as I try, in vain apparently, to delete inbox “gems” such as “An Organism (sic) Tonight, Guaranteed!” Every day, I get dozens of emails that range from the Just Plain Stupid (see “organism” above) to the insulting “From Fat to Fit in 14 Days!” to the banal “Say Yes to Water Softening!”

Delete all you want, but they never truly go away, they say. Emails are like the chicken pox virus that seems to have left you at age 6, but then, there you are on the golf course with your other retired friends and wham-O, you’ve got shingles. If you believe the commercials. And I do.

The only bright spot in my recent emails is that apparently the creepy spammers have abandoned the for-certified-idiots-only “I’m stuck in Malaysia with all these millions; can you help me by sending $750?” That and the “Saudi Prince” who wanted to send me money “just because” have gone bye-bye, replaced, at least in my inbox by daily offers to launch my new career as a hairstylist or phlebotomist. Or maybe both at the same time. It’s all so confusing. “I can trim your bangs AND drain a pint of blood from you, all at the same time! And I can do it with a smile because, let’s face it, I’m having that organism tonight. Gar-un-teed.”

While others might raise a skeptical eyebrow at Hillary’s statement that those 30,000 emails were erased because they were about “planning her daughter’s wedding,” I would say you clearly don’t understand how much goes into a wedding.

It wouldn’t take long at all to hit a few thousand with just the back and forth between the caterers. Ask anyone who has ever done it.

Email 1: “After some discussion, Chelsea has decided that she and Mark prefer the grilled Atlantic char for the main course. Let’s discuss accompaniments, shall we?”

Emails 2-29,999: “OK. I’m glad that is settled! We’ll go with the risotto. Now. What kind of salads and dressings do you advise?”

Aside from the wedding planning emails, Hillary also erased personal correspondence concerning plans for her mother’s funeral and for yoga classes. The only comical thing about this was that these two things were mentioned in the same sentence.

In keeping with the famous saying attributed to Queen Elizabeth, “haters gonna hate,” no doubt the usual suspects will be vilifying Hillary for a long time. I would just say, take a long, hard look at your own email correspondence. Don’t forget: Long-Legged Island Womans Want to Spend The Night With You.