Living

Celia Rivenbark: Look no further, Will and Kate, I can clean your house

Well, here we go again. Loyal readers may recall that I offered my services when Prince William and Kate Middleton advertised – ADVERTISED – for a nanny to take care of their firstborn. I was a little surprised that they went public with their search. I mean this isn’t exactly selling your raggedy pleather recliner on Craig’s List of Pervs and Weirdos, now is it? But, advertise they did and apparently they rejected my semi-serious offer to take care of baby George.

Back then, I sought the job because I had never been across the pond and thought: What better excuse? Since then, I have been to London on vacation and would love to return to offer my services. Truth is, I miss England. The gardens, the museums, the $85 plates of tiny sandwiches you eat every day at 4 o’clock for no apparent reason …

Lucky for me, it turns out William and Kate have again reached out to the great unwashed via classified ad to find a proper housekeeper once their second-born arrives in mid-April.

In a tiny ad in “The Lady” magazine (I know; I never heard of it either, possibly because I’m not much of one), the royals announce that they are in need of a “housekeeper who can handle a variety of chores including cleaning, accepting deliveries, some meal preparation, polishing silver and glass, buying groceries, assisting with childcare and tending the dogs.”

Wow. I like doing all that stuff except for the part that begins “cleaning” and ends with “dogs.”

But there’s more! The Chosen will be provided a live-in apartment and can even bring along a spouse or significant other for this once-in-a-lifetime adventure.

As long as there is ESPN, Duh Hubby assures me he will join in, perhaps envisioning hours in the lush British countryside, drinking pints at the local pub whilst I scrub the oak floors on hands and knees and learn to say things like “whilst” without feeling goofy.

I’m better equipped for the housekeeping gig than the nanny role. I love babies, even ugly ones, but, as I recently overheard Duh Hubby describe me, I am a “sturdy, hardworking woman” which made me blush with pride.

Sure, it sounded as if he was auctioning me off in a bad remake of “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” (“she’s got a great personality but, yes, she’s about six ax handles across”) but I knew what he was getting at.

Kate and Wills, look no further. I’m here to serve. I believe we have established that I am sturdy. And I am apple-cheeked thanks to some middle-age rosacea, plus I look great in a full-length apron. I can also snap a chicken’s neck – or a paparazzi’s. Makes no never-mind to me. Stay in touch.

celiarivenbark.com

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