Living

So at home with HGTV, it’s shellacking my mind

I’m not sure how it happened, but HGTV has eaten my brain.

Maybe it was too many nights of falling asleep just as another “House Hunters” couple was squealing about double vanities (apparently the only thing that truly separates us from the savages).

Maybe it was all those episodes of “Love It or List It,” a program so beloved that there is now an American-made version to complement the long-running Canadian one with Hillary and David. And, yes, we are on a first-name basis.

The only comfort is that I know others who have also had their brains eaten. One friend could barely discuss the embolism-inducing irony of Ted Cruz signing up for Obamacare recently. I was ranting and she could only respond: “Yes, but have you noticed how Canadians don’t know how to make a bed? Seriously. And would a headboard kill them? IT LOOKS LIKE A JAIL CELL.”

And, because I had noticed this phenomenon, too, I forgot all about Ted Cruz. It’s true! Canadians live in million-dollar homes but their bed-making skills are the worst I’ve seen since “Oz.” The old prison drama, not the flippy alt universe of a Kansas cutie.

Duh Hubby is quite put off by all things HGTV. He snores so loudly through “Fixer Upper” (starring wholesome Waco, Texas, couple Chip and Joanna Gaines) that I take it personally.

“You ruined the redo of the brick rancher with attached income-producing apartment,” I told him the next morning.

“Don’t tell me, let me guess,” Duh started. “They showed them three houses and at the end of the first 30 minutes, they chose one and then they did the reveal in the last three minutes. Right?”

Well. It’s a bit formulaic, I suppose. But I find late-night comfort in that. Doesn’t tax the, whatchamacallit, brain.

“And I’m guessing Joanna used a bunch of scrap lumber to build a dining table and stuck a bunch of old metal farm equipment on the walls?”

How did Duh know this?

“And Chip nearly disemboweled himself while using some tree trimming equipment and forcing his 4.0 children to watch?”

Again. Duh was nailing this. Chip Gaines is notorious for his daredevil home reno moments.

“Oh, and I’m guessing Joanna makes the trip into town to meet with her carpenter friend, who takes a rusty cultivator they found in a field and turns it into a kitchen island?”

This was uncanny! Joanna always gets her “good friend” Clint to make something special for the buyers.

“And didn’t you feel a little like Clint would totally hit on her if something were to happen to Chip one day? I mean, look at the way he looks at her!”

OMG. Duh was right about that, too. Clearly, he was sneaking some HGTV on his own, maybe at the gym.

“No, no,” he said. “Only saw it once, but they’re all exactly the same, right?”

I have no idea what he’s talking about.

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