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Celia Rivenbark: Caitlyn, you’re setting the bar too high for us ordinary gals

Caitlyn Jenner accepts the Arthur Ashe award for courage at the ESPY Awards at the Microsoft Theater, in Los Angeles on July 15, 2015.
Caitlyn Jenner accepts the Arthur Ashe award for courage at the ESPY Awards at the Microsoft Theater, in Los Angeles on July 15, 2015. Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP

Caitlyn Jenner is on my last nerve.

Ima say what the rest of y’all in my demographic are thinking but not saying out loud because it sounds hideously small-minded: Caitlyn is making us even more insecure about our looks. Let me explain….

A few years ago there was a memorable movie scene in which Kathy Bates’ character explained how she could shoplift at any store in the mall and never get caught because, as a middle-aged woman of ordinary looks, she was “invisible.” That scene instantly resonated with me. So I took up shoplifting.

No, what I meant to say was that she was a truth-teller. Which is why I am starting to talk back to the TV like a crazy shoplifter, er, person, anytime I see 65-year-old Miss Thang in a new dress looking ridiculously fine.

OK, not the blue mini-dress we saw last weekend, but everything else. Cait – may I call you Witch? – 65-year-old knees are 65-year-old knees. Please put them away.

That said, everything else is ridiculously attractive. At first, things were a bit bumpy. One doesn’t transgender overnight. But now, well, Caitlyn Jenner is distressingly glamorous. And she needs to just stop.

Help a sister out, Cait. You are making those of us who have spent decades fighting the good fight with moisturizers that cost more than our car payment look bad. We’ve finally gotten to the stage where we kinda don’t care that much. Sure, we want to look our best, but we’re not going to wear leather pants. Like you. Who has no cellulite and never will. I flippin’ hate you right now.

That skin-tight yellow wrap dress you wore recently? It wouldn’t look the same if you’d birthed even one of your many children. I wear that dress at my age, and it would look like I was dressing for Halloween as scrambled eggs.

It’s no secret that Cait’s got the money to buy the best designer clothes and have the best “face feminization” surgery and whatnot. And speaking of whatnots, that’s quite a nice perky business she has up top now. GO AWAY!!!!!

I can’t open my “People,” “InTouch Weekly,” “Us” or even my smart-person magazines without seeing your perfect cheekbones. Even your feet look better than mine (except when you wore those tacky gold sandals and your heel was all off the back like a trifling heifer, just sayin’). Caitlyn, I get that you are a little late to the party. But out of respect for those of us within striking distance of your age, why don’t you run over to Kohl’s and get you a nice pantsuit and some sensible flats? You don’t have to look like you’re going on a bus trip to Branson with the Young At Heart club from church but maybe somewhere between that and full-on plastic ho.

Now go eat some pancakes with your grandkids, and act like a natural woman. That’s when you’ll know you’re really one of us. Girl.

celiarivenbark.com

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