Playboy magazine has announced it will no longer publish pictures of nekkid women starting in March.
While high school librarians are no doubt thrilled to finally be able to offer the magazine for its oft-touted quality articles, the decision has upset all 15 men who don’t have the Internet. Also upset by the decision was celeb and former Playmate Jenny McCarthy, who said she was sad because the pictures were pretty and, unlike childhood vaccines, nude pictures do not cause autism. At least she doesn’t think so.
The magazine plans to continue to include photos of women “in provocative poses” but they’ll be more on par with a PG-13 rating. I’m not sure what that looks like but I’m guessing the hottie on the hay bale with the straw teasingly between her teeth will now be wearing overalls over a flannel shirt.
There will still be a Playmate of the Month, but she will be fully clothed and, I’m just spitballin’ here, perhaps share a favorite recipe or demonstrate a few chaste yoga poses.
Yes, this will take some getting used to.
It fell to Cory Jones, a top editor, to make the trek to Hef’s mansion recently and ask, pretty please, if they could ditch the nudes. Cory Jones looks like a youngish hipster in his New York Times photo, the kind who would enjoy crushing Grandpa’s last guilty pleasure except for a nightly Klondike bar and hidden bottle of bourbon for when the wife goes to visit her sister.
If you think that sounds too old, consider that ever since the magazine famously dropped nudes from its website last year, traffic has quadrupled and the average age of site visitors dropped from 47 to 30.
Yes. Younger men just hate having to wade through all those dumb nudes to get to the jump page for the article on “The Morality of Quentin Tarantino’s Violence” or similar thoughtful analysis.
“Ugh,” they say with a puritanical sigh. “I just want a superb deconstruction of film violence and I have to wade past a bunch of pictures of some blonde churning butter with her naked bum in the air. I mean, really, who needs the triglycerides?”
Dropping nudity made numbers go up? I was confused until a New York Times article broke it down for me. See, without nudity, the content became SFW (safe for work) and could be shared and linked via social media. Facebook and Twitter won’t let you post anything with nudity. (But, yes, it’s still OK to show pics of your new assault weapon with the merry status update: “Trespassers will be shot; survivors will be shot again.” Ahhhh. Murica.)
Hef, now 89, said to delete the nudes with his blessing, which means soon the magazine he devoted his notoriously naughty life to will be fanned out at doctor’s offices and Great Clips everywhere alongside Taste of Home.
And then he wandered away to get his Klondike.