How Eiffel in love with Paris

Let’s get some Frequently Asked Questions, some FAQs, if you will, out of the way.

1. Why do you keep saying, “If you will” and “my dear sir” and stuff like that lately?

Well, that’s because I’m now, finally, world-traveled, having spent a whopping week and a half in London and Paris recently. Eat your hearts out. (Note to organ meat-obsessed Brits: That’s an American idiom; don’t get excited.)

2. Are you glad you went with a tour group? Wouldn’t it have been better to just dive in and explore on your own?

If we had not been led about like kindergarteners, we would all – Duh Hubby, the Princess and me – still be circling Parliament a la “National Lampoon’s European Vacation.” I do not like to “explore on my own” during a vacation. I am a Virgo, fond of lists and itineraries and hotels with guest slippers that nobody else has worn. If you will.

3. So tell us about Paris!

Oh, I thought you’d never ask. While London and the surrounding countryside was ab-fab, it was Paris that stole my heart. True story:

As soon as our mammoth motor coach pulled into view of the Eiffel Tower, I burst into tears.

I have no idea why this affected me so. Maybe it’s just that when you grow up in a county whose tallest building is a grain elevator, you just never expect to see such a sight in person.

This wasn’t diminished in the least by a fist fight between our protective tour guide and some pickpockets who were trying to scam me, I mean, the more gullible tourists in our group.

Or maybe I was weepy because we had been primed for Paris by a viewing of “Midnight in Paris” on the ride from the ferry landing at Calais.

Which I thought was just a type of Oldsmobile. Who knew?

Paris, as it turns out, is simply the most beautiful city in the world.

I don’t need to see anything else. I can die now. And, when I do, I want to be buried beside Jim Morrison, whose grave we visited in Pere Lachaise.

Favorite fun fact: We toured Versailles, which is this super-large palace a few miles out of the city. You could fit, like, a gazillion Dollar Generals in this place. Anyway, we saw Louis XIV’s bedroom up close and personal and learned that every single morning when he woke up, a doctor examined him, he then, uh, eliminated, and then the doctor announced that he was in fine health. A preselected throng of supporters then cheered and wept with relief.

Since we have returned home, Duh Hubby thinks it is hysterical to exit the bathroom and announce that he is healthy and the country may happily go about its day.

Settle down, ladies; he’s taken.

4. So are you ever going to write anything that isn’t about your trip?

Certainement, mon ami. Which is French for, “Yes, my ami.” Just not quite yet.