Living

Campaign race to the bottom

Aunt Verlie recently told me that she no longer watches the nightly news and she doesn’t even miss her longtime crush, Brian Williams.

“Between all the Ebola and all the lying politicians, I couldn’t take it anymore,” she said while perusing the “CBS Soaps” magazine I brought her, along with a Wendy’s Frosty. (Because she loves both of these things deeply, and if I stay in her good graces, I might inherit her tiny-spoons collection from all 50 states. This is the sort of thing that used to be considered tacky, but in the hands of the right Pottery Barn addict, becomes the height of mid-century kitsch.)

“I hear you, Aunt Verlie,” I said. “One’s a contagious, malicious plague and the other is Ebola.”

If you think the campaign ads have been more obnoxious and misleading than usual during this midterm election cycle, you’re right.

Candidate A: “I don’t want to say that my opponent enjoys juggling dead kittens for the sheer amusement of it … but I don’t NOT want to say it either.”

Candidate B: “My opponent supported Obamacare” (drops mic and walks away from podium).

Candidate C: “My opponent will not be satisfied until he can be sure that every public schoolteacher in this state is subsisting on a diet of rawhide bones and Spam, heavy on the rawhide bones.”

Candidate D: “My opponent wants to raise the minimum wage, which will destroy family values because families are always so much closer when they are poor. Living in your car makes you a lot closer. That’s just common sense.”

Candidate E: “My opponent wants to cut defense spending so drastically that we may only have 10,000 extra tanks we will never use instead of 50,000. How do you think that makes the tanks feel? Tanks are people, too. The Supreme Court said so.”

Candidate F: “My opponent wants to take away your guns, melt them down in some secret location in the middle of the country and use the melted metal to build a statue of something nobody can recognize but is supposed to be “art.” Man, I hate my opponent. And don’t get me started on the dead kitten juggling thing.”

Candidate G: “My opponent listens to public radio. And knows how to pronounce ‘quinoa.’ Is that really who you want representing you in Washington? A quinoa-pronouncing potential Muslim?”

Candidate H: “Blah, blah, blah, blah, Obamacare, blah, blah, blah.”

Candidate I: “My opponent wants every state to legalize marijuana and then open the borders to Mexicans and Canadians so they can come in and harvest it and sell it to our school children.”

Candidate J: “My opponent supports gay marriage. For everybody. Even the straight ones. Whether you like it or not. And not just a little gay, we’re talking hanging-out-with-Lena-Dunham-in-Provincetown levels of super gay.”

Candidate K: “Have you ever noticed how much “Obama” and “Ebola” sound alike? You can’t argue with science.”

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