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Manson’s intended bride needs to expand her dating pool

Convicted murderer and octogenarian Charles Manson is getting married, which just proves that Aunt Verlie was 100 percent right when she used to say, “There’s a lid for every pot.”

In this case, the pot has a crude swastika carved between his eyes, which would be a deal-breaker for most women, but not for Star Burton, 26, attractive and, I’m going out on a limb here, probably possessing an abundance of daddy issues.

Ms. Burton is just the latest in a long list of women who marry men who are in prison for life or on Death Row.

And, yes, I get it from my single friends that it’s tough out there.

But when did we go from being “sick and tired of trying to meet guys in bars or online” to “Oh, screw it; I’ll just marry a convicted murderer.”

The fact that Erik and Lyle Menendez were imprisoned for life for gunning down their parents in 1985 didn’t deter women from marrying them. In fact, Lyle Menendez has been married, divorced and married again while in prison. Apparently she finally realized he was NEVER going to take out the trash.

Ted Bundy killed at least 34 women, but that didn’t stop Carol Ann Boone from moving to Florida to marry him.

A December wedding is planned for Manson, who has finally trimmed that beard that looked like he was harboring fugitive squirrels in it. The marriage license has been secured, and Burton, for one, is excited. She believes fervently in his innocence.

Also unicorns, pixie dust and a Congress that will put aside its differences to work for the good of the American people.

I feel very sorry for Burton, not just because she’s marrying a crazy-eyed killer (and aren’t they all?) but because, at 26, she should be enjoying all the perks of a young woman engaged to be married to her true love.

But there will be no registry at Target. No giggly sit-down at Bed, Bath & Beyond while you mock-fight over whether the bath towels should be sand or bisque.

There will be no bachelorette party where she gets to ride in a limo with her besties playing tried-and-true bachelorette party games like talking the boxers off a random guy or posing with a police officer.

The wedding will take place in Manson’s California prison, and authorities say there will be no conjugal visits. Ever. Over their dead bodies. OK, bad word choice.

Interestingly, the happy couple is allowed to invite 10 friends from the outside to witness the ceremony. I’m guessing these slots will all go to the bride, because Manson hasn’t made many friends since his incarceration in 1968.

He has described himself as “a very dangerous man,” which you would think would tip off Burton that this is a really bad idea. Worse than making that eight-cheese casserole on Pinterest.

Lid, leave this pot behind. Let him stew.

celiarivenbark.com

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