Living

Sweet and sour financial aid

Like many parents of high school seniors, Duh Hubby and I have been poring over financial aid forms and grappling with the FAFSA, the Big Form You Gotta Fill Out to see if your kid can get federal financial aid for college. Stop me if I’m going too fast here.

But now, I’m calling off the FAFSA dogs. I’m alerting Duh Hubby that we don’t have any financial worries at all, no matter where the Princess goes to college. Why is that? Well, because an organization called SecretArrangement.com is offering “Sugar Daddy” scholarships! Yes! My precious cherub can ask “the world’s largest Sugar Daddy dating site” to pay those pesky tuition and books and room and board fees.

According to the press release creepin’ up my inbox, “Sugar Babies” receive an average of $3,000 per month just for going out with an older man who wants to help a young woman avoid crippling amounts of college debt. Honestly, these men are heroes.

“Some 1.4 million students are buffering their outlook by turning to Sugar Daddies,” says the press release.

Hmnmm. I believe I saw a woman “buffering her outlook” just the other day in a motel parking lot.

I can’t believe that no one has mentioned this FOUND MONEY to us in all the useless financial aid seminars, worthless workshops and boring parent roundtables during the school year.

All you have to do is sign your name – and Friday night, it’ll be just you, a dewy-eyed 18-year-old, and your partner for the evening, Pops McLecherous, who will pick you up in his midlife crisis mobile and whisk you away.

The whole thing has an icky mail-order bride vibe to it that isn’t helped by the website (yes, I went in the name of research) which features the obligatory photo of the hot girl wearing smart-girl eyeglasses and her friend, a VERY young-looking thing in a plaid miniskirt chewing on a LOLLIPOP. Precious Lord, take me now.

“FAFSA and grants can be nightmares,” says the “Sugar Baby School” spokesman. “Join and get your education paid for by a generous sponsor!”

He’s obviously generous! Lollipops don’t grow on trees.

At first I thought this was a parody, but then I saw that ABC’s “20/20” did a segment on it. Turns out there are “sugar babies” at NYU, Harvard and a whole bunch more schools because their parents were apparently too overwhelmed by FAFSA. Well. There are exactly 103 questions. Like name and address and stuff.

I’m totally calling the Princess into the kitchen tonight and explaining to her that because FAFSA makes our heads hurt, she must ask a strange old man we’ve never met to give her thousands of dollars for college. If she objects, I’ll remind her that he’ll probably throw in a steak dinner now and again.

Participants told 20/20 that sex isn’t required. Why, that would be illegal! Mostly, it’s just chitchat and arm candy.

My Aunt Fanny.

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