Health & Family

Helping kids cope with post-divorce move

Summer is often the time families move. Sometimes the new home is just across town. Other times, families move to another city or state.

But for children whose parents are in the process of divorcing or have already divorced, relocating can add burdens far beyond saying goodbye to friends and classmates. They may also be leaving a parent.

Brooke French, an attorney at the family law firm Boyd Collar Nolen & Tuggle in Atlanta says although it may not always be comfortable to sit down with an ex-spouse or partner, communicating the move, especially to a very young child, is done best jointly between both parents as a family.

Navigating a big move that separates a child from a parent, she said, can be made easier by doing the following: clearly communicating the move to kids and crafting a revised parenting agreement that accounts for the subsequent shifts in parenting time.

French offers the following guide of tips and advice for helping kids cope with post-divorce relocation:

To assuage a child’s concerns and fears:

▪ Be prepared to answer your child’s questions regarding how the move will impact him or her.

▪ Have the details of the move worked out prior to the conversation so that both parents can answer specific questions.

▪ Understand that children often process change differently than adults, and may become emotional or angry about moving away not only from the other parent, but also home, friends, school and activities.

Relocation to another community can be an especially difficult transition for all concerned if the other parent had previously shared responsibility for parenting duties, such as carpool, doctor’s appointments, school projects and involvement with sports, dance or music lessons.

Parents are wise to first consider the impact this relocation will have on the child. While close proximity is always ideal for two-household families – affording both parents and children the chance to be there for the big and little events, ceremonies and special occasions – financial, career and other factors can disrupt the original plan. If the change is unavoidable, recognize that one parent may need to sacrifice holiday and break time to ensure the child has adequate time with the other parent.

Timing considerations for structuring a revised parenting plan include:

Age of the child and his or her acceptance of long periods away from one parent. There’s no bright line test, but, generally, children who are preschool age and younger should not be away from their primary caregiver for long periods of time. This is especially difficult for a 1- or 2-year-old to understand. By school age, children should acclimate and be able to handle a longer visit with the other parent.

Among the considerations to restore and maintain the parental relationship between the child and the distant parent:

▪ Using technology to maintain communication. For younger kids, technologies that employ visual elements, such as FaceTime, are helpful in developing and maintaining connections, because the child can see the parents’ facial expressions and make a connection with the parent. Adults are cautioned, however, to remember that a young child’s attention span will be limited, regardless of whether they are talking on the phone or video chatting on a tablet. For older kids who understand and can hold a conversation longer, consider multiple technologies, taking into account their preferences.

▪ Facilitating ongoing communication. Following relocation, the moving party should assume the burden of informing the other parent of what is happening in the child’s life and making sure child stays in touch with the other parent. Know that most children will not think to report how they’re doing in school or what they may be doing. This may mean scheduling a daily “update” email or phone call for the adults.

▪ Frequency of communication. Establishing a schedule for how often the child and the other parent should communicate may depend on the relationship they had before the move. If child was used to seeing the other parent two times a week, for example, then aim, at a minimum, for the child and other parent to communicate that often. Again, the moving party should take on that burden, not the child.