Moms Columns & Blogs

The Reason I Write

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August, 2009

They really didn’t understand it.  I thought they did, but looking back, it is obvious to me now; my family was tolerating what they believed to be a phase, something I would eventually work out of my system.  The thing is, this isn’t a stage I’m going through; it’s always been there in some capacity.  It’s a part of me, always has been, always will be.  I’m trying to survive, the only way I know how.

I write because I must…  It is as necessary to my existence as breathing…

I write to get what is inside out…  At times the tangled mass of emotions surrounding us threatens to strangle me; scratching out words, however jumbled and nonsensical, loosens the loops, if only for a little while...

I write because I grieve…  I pour my pain onto a canvas of creamy white pages until I can breathe again…  It pushes the dark places back into the shadows, allowing me to resume and participate in our new life once more…

I write to remember…  Certain things are burned into my mind like an unwanted tattoo…and yet I am terrified I will forget everything of importance.  Memories fade unless carefully tended; the mind invariably loses its grasp as time slips by…

I write to understand…  Putting pen to paper forces me to reflect and regain perspective, and sometimes reconsider a situation, viewing it from another vantage point…  There is always a lesson, a positive to be found if only I choose to think it through…

I write to give back…  To be a voice for those who have lost a child, a sibling, a parent, a spouse, a friend…  To offer a glimpse of the view from within this valley of shadows and sorrow, letting another know they are not alone, helping someone else understand how to help…

I write because I have hope…

Explaining all of this turned out to be easy; I know why I do it.  John and Grace don’t particularly like it, but it is how I deal with our life, this life, so it’s my prerogative.  Beth, on the other hand, has gotten it from the beginning…

Which leaves me trying to make sense of why I feel compelled to speak about our experience...  I cannot clarify for them that which I’m unsure of myself…

Wishing you many blessings and always, hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator    

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