Moms Columns & Blogs

Green Pastures...

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I am so tired…I feel a crushing fatigue in the very marrow of my brittle bones.  Each day I awaken and ask myself the same question: how are we to manage without him?  By all outward appearances we seem to be faring well…but once behind our closed doors it is crystal clear that all is not as it seems…    

The initial paralyzing shock has begun to wear off and I am no closer to tolerating this new world order.  My mind dances and hops around my responsibilities…I find myself desperately wishing to do something, anything, to take care of Brian.  All of these years…so many things done by rote…collecting piles of dirty clothes, laying out lunch money, unloading stacks of dirty dishes, yelling about the overflowing trash, checking incomplete homework, re-washing clean laundry, more recently arguing over the cell phone and late night bedtime…dispensing love as best I knew how.  Being his mom, taking care of him, now there’s nothing left to do…empty nest syndrome to the absolute, utmost extreme…  There is no substitute, no way to replace any of it… I unconsciously continue to search for the one that is missing…  

If only I could erase Thursdays from my calendar, my heart, my mind.  Every Thursday morning I step backwards in time, withdrawing into myself as I relive the events of June 12th… Starting around 10:30, I am hypnotized by my watch… 10:44 calling John 10:50 shower 11:10 John where do you want to go 11:23 we need to leave if you want to beat the crowd 11:32 in the car 11:40 placing our order 11:46 Brian’s accident 11:51 Brad’s call 11:53 in the car calling Beth…and on it goes, until the end…  Maybe I will stop wearing a watch… I mean honestly, time means nothing to me now…  It doesn’t move in a linear manner for me anymore even though I know it is impossible for it to do otherwise…  The only span that registers with me is the number of weeks, days and hours that have passed since we lost our son…  

Out of my frantic need to do something, no matter how pointless, I have started to make a pilgrimage to Forest Lawn East every Thursday, to his resting place…  I know that Brian is no longer here in this world, but I must go anyway…  I make sure that everything is neat and orderly, the way he preferred.  I always leave fresh flowers; pick up random branches, leaves and twigs, and collect the innumerable sweet gum tree gumball knots…  The birds sing sweet songs all around me; a couple of yellow jackets buzz around my ankles, annoying me with their persistence…reminding me of Brian when he wanted something.  I am always alone here, so I am free to let go...  I sit and weep, pray, rage and forgive…  Because part of me is furious with Brian; I know it is completely nuts but I am beside myself…frankly I’m just not myself…  How could he be so careless?  My anger passes as quickly as it comes, for I still cannot stay mad with him… Besides, I know that when it’s your time to go, you go, regardless…  I am calm again, talking openly to him and crying for him, safely ensconced behind the bright green leaves of the hedge, dappled patches of sunlight shining through the canopy above… In some strange way that I cannot comprehend, it feels like a sheltered, secret place to me…one that belongs only to Brian.  I feel close to him when I am here…  I cannot go to the place where the end began for fear of his pain…I cannot enter his room at home where he last felt joy…Perhaps this place is the middle ground…  No matter; this must be one of my green pastures...  

I have re-posted the old blogs under archive headers over the weekend.  Thank you for your continued support.  Wishing you hope… TG   

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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