The inevitable letdown has arrived; my post-party blues are exponentially greater than in times past… I am no longer able to ignore the sadness that has taken up permanent residence within me; it echoes across the vast, vacant space in my heart and my home. I cast about for a new distraction; my interests from before are intolerable, impossible to do. I cannot endure the memories brought forth by these simple, common activities…
I must make the effort to corral my errant attention and begin acknowledging the many kindnesses bestowed upon our family. It is not that I dread doing that which is proper and correct; it is just by virtue of these very writings that I begin to do something I never contemplated. Not only will I be confirming in my own hand that he is gone forever, I will be working on a small part of a much larger task, taking a step toward closing out the life of our child. There will never be an ideal time to start; how do I make myself begin? With every single word I write, I affirm that it is real, true, and absolutely final. This is so incredibly difficult…I still cannot even believe it…
Different details from that horrific day randomly drift across my mind…somehow I have managed to find several seemingly small things for which I am grateful. Although the outcome that day ended life as we knew it, it still could have been worse…
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Brian did not suffer; if he had to be taken, at least it was instantaneous so that he did not consciously feel pain; John and I were t ogether from the outset…we did not have to experience any of it alone; it was during the middle of the day, rather than the middle of the night; Brian had been at work…there was no question as to what he had been doing just prior; n o one else was injured in the accident; w e are positive that Brian was the happiest he had ever been; he didn’t mean for it to happen, it was the result of a wrong decision.
I hope to find more to be thankful for; at least this is a start… As for today, the best I can do is compose a message via email; this way, I can let many people know at once that we are appreciative…I will eventually respond to each individual gesture, but it will take some time…
July 11th, 2008
Dearest Pine Lake Family,
Words are simply inadequate to explain how your tremendous outpouring of love, support and prayer has helped our family to survive the last four weeks. Every card, meal, phone call, spoken word, and other acts of kindness have allowed us to take one more breath, and to keep putting one foot in front of the other every single day.
I have tried to keep up with everything (as is my tendency), but I simply cannot; please forgive any oversight on my part in acknowledging your efforts. Please know that we are drawing constantly on your prayers and compassion. I only hope that someday we can repay some measure of the love that has been shown to us as we try to go on, living this challenging new life.
Brian lived his life to the fullest, and made the most of every opportunity. We are trying to carry on his legacy by facing the future fearlessly, and with a smile.
Simply said, thank you. You have been and continue to be a blessing to us. Please keep us in your prayers, please say hello, and always, always, smile...Brian would.
With much love,
Tammy, John, Beth & Gracie
The Garlock Family
Plans are underway for the informal support group; there is also an online group under ‘Moms Groups’ on the homepage. Anyone who has experienced loss is welcome to join. Please send me a message if you have any suggestions or would like to participate in a face to face get together; again, all are welcome. Wishing you hope… TG
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays. -- Jen, site administrator