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Love Bears All Things

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My brief respite has come to an end…and the spell of unity has been broken; my ludicrous illusion of ‘We are going to be fine’ has been smashed to bits.  The tattered pieces of my family no longer function together in a workable manner, and I stand alone in my concern.  In the absence of my constant vigilance, anger and passive aggressiveness have moved in; they have pitched a tent in the middle of my kitchen, claiming squatters’ rights in the hearts and minds of my husband and daughters.  I find myself trapped in the growing divide between those I love most…  

Maybe I am truly seeing our temperaments for the first time since that awful afternoon.  Perhaps I have been unwittingly blind, owing to the smoggy haze clouding my thoughts as well as my own stubborn refusal to acknowledge that anything else could be wrong…  While I know that we each must walk our own individual path through this valley of shadows and sorrow, we are all still in this same valley.  Surely that single, simple fact far outweighs the differences in each journey…  I refuse to allow what is left of my family to disintegrate...  I don’t know how to get through to them, to stop this pointless tearing apart…  We need to stand together or how will we survive…  For who else can possibly understand and grasp the magnitude of our loss, other than those of us who share in it?  

‘Love bears all things…’  As I referee yet another round of ridiculous spats, this thought keeps popping into my mind, repeating in an endless loop, checking my impulse to throw my suitcase back into the car.  My instinct yells for me to leave them to deal with their own bad behavior and stupid tantrums, but I suddenly realize that in doing so, I would become like them, hurting those I should be helping.  The acting out, unkind words and lack of consideration is undeniably an expression of their anguish; isn’t it human nature to lash out at those closest to you in times of turmoil?  John has lost his best friend…the future he finally allowed himself to dream of is gone, as are his plans for getting there…  Beth has been forced to grow up and confront her wasted opportunities in light of those that Brian will never have…  Gracie waited her entire life to enjoy the protection and close friendship of her big brother, only to have him snatched from her as soon as that happened…  While I understand so much, I am capable of so little…but I will endure because I must…  

‘Love bears all things…’  I have always considered this purely in the context of marriage…but given our new life, it means more than I ever realized before.  The pain that we are suffering now is our burden to bear for the love we shared with our son, brother, and friend.  In order to experience the immense joy of love, you must be willing to experience the impossible pain of loss in equal measure.  If we were given the choice: a brief span of time with him or absolutely nothing: no love, therefore, no pain, which would I choose?  No question about it…I would always choose love…  

Plans are underway for the informal support group; there is also an online group under ‘Moms Groups’.  Anyone who has experienced loss is welcome to join.  Wishing you hope… TG   

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator    

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