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After the sun sets each evening, I sit alone in the heavy quiet, considering the broken and damaged people I call family, wondering… Is it possible we can survive something so horrific? I don’t mean merely exist, but to really find a way to live? With each other? Unlike Humpty Dumpty, I know we cannot be put back together as we were before; too much is missing. But I WILL keep trying to assemble the pieces, just the same…
Should I push or should I pull? When to confront and when to ignore? Almost six months later, each of us is still an individual island, separated by vast oceans of grief, isolated, distant, totally alone. I doubt we are progressing at all…
Case in point: for two straight days, John has repeatedly insisted we should give away all of the ‘electronics’ in Brian’s room. As if they will suddenly ‘go bad’ or ‘expire’ from the lack of use… His television (combo birthday/Christmas present 3 years ago), his boom box (birthday present 4 years ago), his secondhand laptop (bought with his own money), and his prized XBOX 360 (Christmas last year)… Needless to say, John’s comments were not well received by the rest of us, no matter how well intended. Initially, Beth burst into tears and fled the room; Grace informed him that she would not allow anyone to violate Brian’s room. Even him. Especially him. After listening to almost forty-eight hours of sarcastic bickering, outright arguing, and uncontrolled crying (not necessarily in that order), I finally put the matter to rest (for now anyway) by calling a family meeting. I told them we had to unanimously agree on something of this magnitude; if one of us couldn’t handle it, then it wouldn’t be done. I don’t think we should maintain a shrine, but now is clearly not the right time… I cannot even bring myself to wash the last pair of golf shorts Brian wore; it would require me to remove his belt, thereby undoing one of the very last things he ever did… When my eyes spy those shorts, what I really see in my mind is him lacing that belt through those loops… No can do. I’m not ready.
When will the time be right? One of many things I have no answer for. This is our season to cry, and to grieve… It will take as long as it takes…
Wishing you hope…tg
Thanks to Darin Morton of State Farm Insurance, we have additional ‘Remember Brian’ bracelets to share; please send your request and mailing address to email@example.com.
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays. -- Jen, site administrator