Moms Columns & Blogs

Getting by?

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If it weren’t for the light shining in Brian’s window, I would say hope had forever fled our home.  But the glow from that tiny bulb, burning brightly at all hours, serves to remind me even when I feel all has been lost, it has merely been misplaced for a while…  

Sorrow and anger…  Pain and attitude…  Pride and control…  Surely I blinked and woke up somewhere else; the ‘B’ side of a good life where suffering is the norm…  Why do the people I love most keep lashing out?  The answer is obvious, but complicated: we all miss Brian beyond comprehension.  It is far more than an emotional emptiness; we each physically hurt in a way that defies reason.  Knowing why doesn’t explain how to change it…  It’s hard to remember to have a heart when yours has shattered into a million pieces…  

Who knows when or if it will ever be possible to feel anything more than agony?  Can we heal?  Can we somehow learn to live this new life?  I have to believe it begins with forgiveness.  Forgiving Brian for the choice, the error in judgment; forgiving ourselves for failing to teach him, to protect him.  Obviously we didn’t know this was going to happen…nor did he.  Forgiveness is the only way I see to slay the angry beast named ‘Blame’ storming around, wreaking havoc, raging at God, at Brian, at anyone who dares come close…  

How are we doing, really?  We are barely getting through, getting by, getting the minimum done…  It appears to be the opposite of how we lived before, but is it?  Not at all…  It’s fundamentally the same.  We are simply trying to cross off another day, only in slow motion now instead of fast forward…  How could we have already forgotten the importance of living, of loving in the moment?  That today could be our last day?  Because we cannot yet remember, nor have we discovered how to truly live…  

Which is why the little candle in his window has become my visible anchor…it leads me back to the one true source of all hope.  ‘This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.’ Hebrews 6:19

Tomorrow would have been Brian’s 19th birthday; please help us honor his memory by sharing his story with someone new and asking them to turn off their phone while driving.  Thank you so much for your support!

Wishing you hope…tg 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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