Moms Columns & Blogs

Scared silly...

blog post photo

I have been scared for days…  Before the accident, fear of what could happen was never really a factor for me.  I stumbled along, day after day, no thought given to the possibility of sudden tragedy.  These days, if I permit myself to think of it or feel it for more than a fraction of a second, I am frozen like a deer in oncoming headlights…  

I guess I’ve been lucky throughout my parenting years; of my three children, Beth was the only one who seemed to get sick a lot.  Chronic ear infections, strep/tonsillitis, whooping cough, and later a broken wrist and shoulder surgery…  Brian and Grace combined had far fewer trips to the doctor.  There were times when they were sick, but nothing particularly serious or recurring.  I have never been an alarmist over the onset of sniffles…  

Grace came in from school on Wednesday under the weather.  Scratchy throat, not hungry, but no fever or coughing, only wanting sleep…she was feeling icky and extremely grumpy…  

As I drove to work Thursday morning, I almost gave in to the paranoid refrain echoing in my head, ‘Turn around, you need to stay home’.  I checked on Grace right before I left, asking how she felt; she hardly moved, and croaked the word ‘Terrible’.  She had already spent over seventeen hours straight in her bed…  Gracie despises sleep; when she does so willingly for long stretches of time, it is a sure sign of sickness.  A trip to the pediatrician was definitely in order…  At noon, she was awake enough to update me…she could hardly talk, her head was hurting…she was misery personified…    

I figured it was strep, given the rapid onset and her evaporation of energy; however, the quick test was negative.  So off we went with pain medication...which provided no relief.  Friday morning…she could not swallow, would not talk, the back of her throat was, well, disgusting.  Her tonsils were so enlarged and colorful that I literally ran for my phone; pretty soon she wouldn’t be able to breathe...  Within fifteen minutes we were back in the doctor’s office, seeing a different physician this time…  Waves of panic constricted my airways; I am positive my hair was standing straight up off of my head when we arrived…  More tests, tubes of blood taken…the exact words the doctor used to describe Grace’s throat were ‘medically impressive’…  Grace immediately started antibiotics and would be admitted if she didn’t take in significant amounts of fluid in the next few hours…  The doctor called that afternoon and later that evening to check her progress; she gave me her cell phone number in case things took a turn for the worse after hours.  She also wanted follow-up visits over the weekend to be sure things were continuing to move in the right direction…  

I have been completely overwhelmed by the challenges of the last four days…  My baby has been really, really sick, and it happened really fast…a nasty bacterial throat infection with abscessed tonsils, and mononucleosis thrown in for good measure.  She has improved steadily, but still…the unavoidable fact remains that Brian was taken away without warning…I am petrified of losing another child.  

Certainly this is an extreme overreaction on my part, and yet I am incapable of slamming the door on my anxiety right now.  If I am supposed to trust the Lord at all times with all things, why do I feel this way?  This particular enemy is living within me; I need to pray to be saved from myself…  

Thank you for all of the kind thoughts and prayers during these last weeks; it means more to us than you will ever know.  Wishing you hope…TG 

Next support group meeting, Saturday, June 20, 2009 @ 12:00 noon, Panera Bread-Matthews location  

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator      

  Comments