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The Night Before...

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Have a holly, jolly Christmas…  There’s no place like home for the holidays…  Have yourself a merry little Christmas…  I’ll be home for Christmas…  Familiar melodies buffet us at every turn; bittersweet memories glide along the notes of each song…  We’re homesick, heartsick, longing for a time and place to which we may never return…  

Earlier this month, Beth asked John to attend Elevation’s Uptown Christmas Eve program, and he agreed, so we went this afternoon.  First time back since it happened…  Of course, Beth and I bawled throughout the service; neither John nor Grace had much to say, other than generic comments about how loud and crowded it was.  Maybe some part of today’s message trickled through a fissure in their armor…maybe.  Hopefully.  

Brad and Sunny dropped by tonight, sharing in one of our Christmas traditions.  My mom accidentally started this one about fifteen years ago…  She gave my sisters and me ‘themed’ Christmas pj’s as a joke, only to find we loved them.  She has continued to do so every year since...  It was so much fun, I decided to do the same thing, giving John and the kids a new outfit to be opened and worn on the night before Christmas.  This year, I included Brad and Sunny; I’m certain Brian would have approved.  It wasn’t my best effort or most creative, but I suppose making myself make the effort counts for something…  Beth gave them gifts as well; she wanted them each to have a pickle ornament, identical to Brian’s favorite one.  Brian really loved pickles…  

More than anything, right here, right now, in this moment, I want to disappear for a few days.  Or maybe disconnect is a better word.  Part of my ongoing need for flight, because I’m too tired to fight any longer…  I’m over the constant barrage of happy happiness, the relentless reminders of what should be, of what was, compared to what is.  This isn’t a good place …    

In order to simply survive, I think its best if we withdraw from the outside world for the next twenty-four hours, maybe more…  

Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator

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