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Another Thursday, another Tragedy...

What terror alert status is greater than red?  My scarcely held anxiety and panic are threatening to erupt…  Despite my deliberate, logical decision that it will not transpire…  The smoldering fear is giving way to a five-alarm firestorm…  My mind is rebelling, refusing to believe that what I have seen is real…it has happened again…another Thursday, another tragedy… 

 

I awoke this morning and gathered my scattered resolve…we are on the cusp of a holiday weekend, Brian’s favorite, and I must move from this stagnant, stationary spot.  I have been treading water, not moving up or down, side to side, remaining only in this static position, for it requires the least amount of effort and thought.  As my mental strife continues, I am deluded in my thinking: if I am still, then I can keep us all safe…  The truth is that while I have pushed everyone else to get out and resume living, I haven’t pushed myself in the least…

 

So off I go, doggedly determined to take my own advice today.  Thursdays are difficult beyond measure…  I walk onto the tennis court, willing myself to participate in this part of my old life, uncertain and unsure, every step shaky; fortunately, this small group is comprised of close friends, so I can bow out at any time, no questions asked…  I cannot shake the notion that I am about to relive the worst day of my life, for there are eerie similarities in its start…  Banish the thought...  I muddle through, not playing with any skill or much enthusiasm, trying to focus on being exactly right there, right then, as best I can…

 

 I am anxious to get home; Grace has an appointment this afternoon, we are hosting a party tomorrow, lots to get done today…  I turn on the shower and flip on the television…there it is…on the midday news…a rift in time sucking me right back to the horror of three weeks ago…  My pulse is pounding, blood rushing, roaring in my ears…  My mind is strained, stressed to the point of fracture…  TG, be calm, fear cannot overtake you (but what if…where is…wait, find your phone).  Breath…you don’t know who was involved…it happened early this morning…your family was at home...you are being unreasonable…you don’t need to freak everyone out…

 

For one brief, irrational moment I wonder if I am somehow responsible for this terrible thing, all because I had the nerve to attempt my former Thursday routine, as if nothing had changed at all…

 

I am gone, a balloon afloat without tether once more; whatever progress I thought I made was fictitious…I was lying to myself…  Will this be an integral part of my new reality?  Am I to be stricken senseless and heartsick every single time I hear of such a thing?  I know with absolute certainty that I will…  My heart breaks anew, fully aware of what that family is about to face…  Chris Jamison, a Butler graduate from the class of 2007, was killed this morning in a single car accident on Idlewild Road, a mere five minutes, less than three miles, from our home.  So many of the same kids that knew Brian knew him as well…how much more can these teens handle?  How much more loss can we take?  If losing one friend puts them at greater risk of suicide, what happens when they lose two?  Gracie knows his younger brother, shared a class with him just weeks ago…  Should I reach out, offer condolences, help in some way?  What can I do?  I’m barely breathing most of the time…I have no idea of what I should be doing these days…  What can I say, other than I’m so very sorry for your loss…  What can I offer, aside from my own survival mantra, take it one breath at a time...

 

I was totally unprepared for this…but then, how can you ever really be ready for sudden, tragic loss?  I will do the one thing that I know will help…  I will pray for their strength as they begin their own unwanted journey through this dark valley…

   I am working to create an informal support group; please send me a message if you have any suggestions or would like to participate; all are welcome.  Wishing you hope… TG  

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays. We have created a forum for parents who have experienced difficult events, whether it's losing a baby or having a sick child or seeing a child die. We hope this forum will be a safe, comforting and helpful place. You can find it here.  -- Jen, site administrator 

 

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