Moms Columns & Blogs

D day

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May, 2009

As we approach this dreaded anniversary, sometimes my sorrow is so intense I am sure it will still my shattered heart…  Or I may drown in the accompanying monsoon of tears…

John and the girls are no better; we stumble around, pretending not to fear what is merely another date on the calendar to most.  June 12 represents everything gone wrong in our lives. 

You cannot lose what you’ve already lost…  Still, I have the persistent gnawing sense I am retracing my steps, on a collision course with the past, only in that exact place and time in the future…  It’s clearly impossible, illogical, but I’ve no help for it.  I’m desperately searching for things to occupy my mind even as my focus slips further away…  The harder we try to contain our escalating anxiety, the more it spills over, oozing into our make-believe ‘I’m okay, we’re okay, it’s okay’ existence. 

At least one positive thing has happened…  I believe the bracelet giveaway at Butler went well; Grace’s video ran during homeroom, and students were invited to sign a banner and receive a free Brian bracelet during lunch.  With the help of the Dream Team, we handed out nearly 500 bracelets over the four lunch periods; we’ve already given out around 200, and with the story set to run in the Observer on Sunday, I am hopeful we will ultimately give away every bracelet.  The possibility of 2,500 people not using their cell phones for at least one day makes me feel like we are bringing something good out of our heartbreak…  John is skeptical our effort will change anything or anyone; I don’t know, but we must do something to try and spare another family the awful suffering we deal with daily.  If just one person makes a better choice, then Brian did not die in vain.

I hope in the coming days I find ways to shed this apprehension, but I don’t like my chances…  How do you prepare yourself for this?  I’m going back to my default, doing the things which always help: taking one breath at a time, and praying the one prayer that never fails…

As we approach the 2nd anniversary, we are again giving away ‘Remember Brian 06-12-08’ bracelets.  Please email if you are interested with your mailing address & I will gladly send one (or more) to you!

Wishing you many blessings, sunshine and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator