Moms Columns & Blogs

Anger, all over again...

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I’m not sure of the origin of the phrase, ‘There is a thin line between love and hate’; I have a corollary to add: ‘The distance between anguish and anger is nonexistent’.  To prove this statement, you need look no further than the place where I live…  

Everything I have read about grief and grieving speaks to the stages of grief, with a sprinkling of real feeling and raw emotion.  Based upon these meager accounts, I have no idea if what I am experiencing is normal; furthermore, how would you define normal in this situation?  What does one do to manage everlasting heartbreak?  At this moment, I can barely stand breathing…  Over the entire span of my life, I have never known this sort of pain…  It is always with me, bubbling just below the surface of my carefully crafted façade…  

Last weekend we escaped to the lake; we needed a serious diversion from the latest developments impacting our household.  We planned to build a deck and clear the yard again, hopefully regaining a sense of balance though arduous physical labor and the change in scenery.  While weed eating an overgrown area along the edge of the dirt road, my shoelaces became entangled in briers, blackberry vines, something…  I proceeded to kick, yank, and thrash my way free, abruptly furious at this unexpected assault of thorns…  I stomped away from these newly discovered brambles, mumbling to myself to grow up, it wasn’t personal; the thorns did not conspire against me…  Honestly, who gets so mad over something this stupid?  A heretofore unnoticed burning and stinging sensation gradually seeped into my consciousness, and with it a dawning awareness on several fronts…  My overreaction was indicative of what has been smoldering, unobserved therefore unchecked, in our family since Labor Day weekend, building in response to the onslaught of new issues…  And while the scratches and scrapes on my legs were minor and meaningless, it marked the first time I recognized pain from any other source, however insignificant, since Brian’s accident…  I welcomed it as a fleeting distraction from the sorrow that has permanently imprinted on my soul…  What does this mean?  Most likely nothing, nothing at all…  

Even with my newfound insight, I am at a loss…how do I topple the great walls of anger currently dividing my family?  I never anticipated having to defend Grace from guerilla warfare tactics at home; John and Beth have united against her…  There is openly voiced resentment and scantily clad indignation directed her way, as well as innumerable harsh judgments delivered under a stream of caustic sarcasm.  Once again, she never gets a break from the stress...at school, at home, no relief…it’s really no wonder she runs.  The fallout from this episode belongs entirely to her, but everyone needs a safe haven; I must stand the gap and create one behind me, or she WILL look elsewhere, perhaps making an even more perilous choice next time.  The mere possibility, I cannot allow myself to think upon…    

The middle is such a lonely place to be…  I keep dancing alongside the line of neutrality, not agreeing with the stance of either side; I keep talking, my sensible syllables falling on defiantly deaf ears.  Nevertheless, I continue this fools’ errand for love’s sake, begging them to understand and to forgive.  We all make mistakes and have stretches of time when we are not so easy to love.  Were we still living our old life, I would welcome this consolidation of power with open arms and my biggest smile; but that is not our reality, this is a new world order…  All that was before, sadly, is no more…    

Original blog posts have been re-posted under the month of March, identified as Archive-Part 1, etc.  Wishing you hope…TG 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator 

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