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The scene before me is familiar but I don’t truly recognize it; something has lifted, or maybe shifted, bringing this little corner of the world into sharper focus. It’s almost like I’ve been given new eyes, because in many ways I’m seeing my life more clearly than I ever have, despite my inner turmoil. Things which used to consume a tremendous amount of my energy simply don’t matter now, leaving me to wonder how they gained importance to begin with. The perfectly clean house…laundry done, begging and pleading for it to be put away…trekking to the office to prove my business savvy...always planning and organizing every single minute with no room for spontaneity...the urgent completion of my ‘to-do’ list being my highest priority before bedtime…so much expended over what mattered so little…
I left tennis clinic today feeling crazy; I absolutely will not put myself in a situation like that again. I cannot handle the stress of feeling terrible because I flubbed a shot; frankly, I mess up more strokes than I ever execute properly. That’s my game, try as I may… It’s also a metaphor for my life. I’ve been pushing to stay involved because it brought me some happiness in my life of before; I’ve been hopeful it would again, only now, I’m not so sure…perhaps the time has come to let it go. Could I walk away without a backward glance? Yes and no; when my failure to perform creates new fractures within me, something has to give, because I’m already about to break apart and sink to the bottom of the ocean… I would miss the camaraderie, without a doubt, the sense of belonging. Then again, do I belong anymore? If not here, then where?
My default admission to the most unwanted, undesirable club imaginable has cancelled, or at best, limited my ability to slide back into old familiar roles, through no fault of my own… Everyone wants to fit it, but after you’ve lost a child, your never-ending grief marks you, scars you, and makes you an unwitting outsider. I am gradually finding other families like mine, far more than I ever imagined, almost all of whom have learned to leave this part of their life in the closet, so as to not ostracize themselves ongoing… Only I can't do it...
Maybe I should organize an informal support group…no rules, no regulations; the only prerequisite will be unconditional understanding. There is great comfort found in knowing you are not alone…
Wishing you blessings and hope…tg
Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays. -- Jen, site administrator