Moms Columns & Blogs

Peace?

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February, 2009  

After so many months of unconscious anxiety and nervousness, we enjoyed a full day of peace.  About thirty hours’ worth, to be precise.  It seemed like we collectively exhaled and found ourselves all in the same place again for the first time since the weekend of Brian’s accident.  Of course, almost as soon as the thought crossed my mind, the angry ‘I want my old life back’ personas returned, smashing our brief respite into a million tiny pieces.  That’s what I get for thinking…  

I’m beginning to wonder if we have all developed dual personalities: the ‘public image’ and the ‘other’...  At minimum, we each have some sort of disorder, an unpredictable mental state that’s literally a shout away…  I guess confusion and frustration over how we should feel (something other than heartache), what we should be doing (how do you go on), and the complete absence of forward looking dreams (nothing past a week out) have collided, spawning these alter egos as a result…  

I would love to yell and kick up a big fat fuss myself, basically throw the mother of all temper tantrums, like everyone else around here (except Silly) is wont to do…  However, doing so would contradict the message I want to convey and the questions I must ask to do it:    

What’s the use in being angry?  Where does it take you?  Or us?  We cannot change what happened to Brian, to our family, to our lives, to our hopes and expectations for the future…  I want my old life back too!!!  I never dreamed I would be in this position, that I would be this woman; and yet this is who I’ve become.  It’s who we have become.  Like it or not.  It isn’t the life we wanted or anticipated, but it’s what we have now.  Each of us must choose for ourselves what to do with it…  We can cling to what was and be eaten alive by anger and bitterness, or we can work toward tolerating what is and trying to bring something good out of our loss…  

Maybe the ugliness that keeps rearing its head is really a good sign…  Perhaps it’s all part of the process of learning to live again…

Wishing you hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator

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