Moms Columns & Blogs

'Never Wanted Nothing More'

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The first few notes trickle from the radio and suddenly I am swamped by a flood of memories…  Hearing this familiar refrain is a sure-fire trigger of my pain, but it’s more welcome than the empty echo of silence…  My crocodile tears splash my seat in sync with the beat of the song…    

I never know when I will be overcome by something I hear...  Last weekend, Grace had a group of friends over and they were watching a Harry Potter movie in the den; I was within earshot, but not really listening, busily jarring up apple butter in our kitchen.  And then I heard it…that incomprehensible, anguished cry of a parent who has just lost everything...  I have seen this movie many times, but until now, it was simply a sad movie scene.  Until now.  This father let forth a wailing, primal scream as awareness dawned and he realized his son was forever gone…  It jerked me back to my own heartbreaking moment in time…his cry could have been my own.  For all of the things the big screen gets wrong, someone out there got this one exactly right…  

My crying time always seems to come when I’m alone in my car…  It’s probably not the best of places, but when it’s just me, my music and my ride, whatever is inside can come out, with my family none the wiser.  If anyone notices me while sitting at a traffic light, I’m sure they think I’m crazy…and they are probably right…I couldn’t care less…  

I have always judged music by both the lyrics and the melody, wondering about the inspiration behind the art.  Songs that tell a story or impart a life lesson are the ones I am drawn to.  The best of them mark a particular place in time forever in my mind…which is why I have decided Kenny Chesney truly is a poet musician.  Several of the songs on his CD ‘Just Who I Am: Poets & Pirates’ have taken on special significance to us, especially ‘Never Wanted Nothing More’.  It seems no matter where I am going, or the length of the trip, this song always comes on the radio when I’m driving…  Brian loved this song; it describes his life of the last year and his way of thinking, especially the chorus…  

“Well I’m what I am and I’m what I’m not,

And I’m sure happy with what I’ve got,

I live to love and laugh a lot,

And that’s all I need…

I never wanted nothing more”  

I’m not saying he was perfect or that he didn’t want stuff like every typical teen, but in the grand scheme of things, Brian really was content.  He had it good and he knew it.  His overall level of satisfaction was beyond his seventeen years; he believed things couldn’t get much better for him than they already were at any given moment.  Quite a legacy for us to pick up and carry on…  I pray those of us left behind will learn from his example and be able to feel this way too someday, even as we struggle on in the aftermath of his loss.  It is hard for me to believe such a thing will ever be possible, but I refuse to give up hope…  

Wishing you sunshine and hope…TG 

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator 

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