Moms Columns & Blogs

Enough...

April, 2009

Some days I just don’t have enough…

…wisdom to see beyond my own selfish pain…

…strength to keep my head high and shoulders strong under the weight of our sadness…

…belief we can persevere when the odds are stacked so heavily against us…

…desire to live this life I didn’t ask for…

…love to forgive over and over, until it’s real and I let it go…

Which is why I’m collapsed inside the shower stall, at the opposite end of our house, crying a river of bitter tears and feeling sorry for myself…

…something I detest doing, but cannot overcome tonight…

The burden of all that we’ve lost has overwhelmed my resources; I have nothing left right now.  I don’t know these people I’m living with anymore, nor am I sure I want to. 

My husband is sullen and withdrawn, saying very little.  When he does speak, it’s harsh and hurtful.  In turn, his scathing remarks cause one daughter to retreat into silence as well; when alone with me, however, she is quite vocal, letting me know she often wishes it had been her instead of her brother.   My other daughter hates being home more than ever; unless she’s sleeping, she’s gone.  I just found out the new boy she is interested in is a recovering heroin addict, at the ripe old age of 18; he’s been clean for about eight weeks.

And I miss my son so much I can barely breathe…

I know everyone in this world has something they are dealing with, but I’m on the brink of madness…

Curled up in here, with a smooth tile pressed against my cheek and four doors between me and them, I am spent, totally drained…  Everything else within me is exhausted; only my faith remains…  Is that sufficient?  I ponder this for a while, and finally realize my answer is yes…  My faith is in His faithfulness, which is more than enough…

Wishing you sunshine and hope…tg

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator

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