Moms Columns & Blogs

Finding Rest...

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Do the stars still twinkle and dance across the sky?  I often gazed in wonder at these tiny dots of light, sprinkled in generous measure upon an enormous canopy of black…  My eyes long to see their sparkle again, but this heavy shroud of grief obscures my view from the valley of sorrow.   That I can see them at all is cause for hope…  

As of this evening, it’s official...  Miss Type A moved to another state while I wasn’t looking.  I guess she decided her current living arrangement was too hostile, so she fled the scene and left no forwarding address.  Seriously, I don’t know whether to laugh at my forgetfulness or cry about it.  I failed to remember my wedding anniversary!  John made a joke of my absent-mindedness, and acknowledged he could sorely use some brownie points right now…  Truth be told, the cross stitch sampler above his dresser likely nudged his recall; the date in question is prominently displayed in his line of sight each morning.  Still, he DID remember; perhaps I should move it to a location where I see it as well…  

It’s no wonder, though.  I’ve focused my attention on surviving the immediate day before us, forcing and faking my way through each task and responsibility, wearing a strained smile and shedding a few salty tears along the way.  My inability to look beyond right here, right now, must be an internal defensive mechanism deployed to preserve the scraps of sanity I have left…  I cannot bear to consider the days yet to come, knowing our heartbreak will increase exponentially as we confront the first holiday season minus one…  

And naturally, my body is yielding, just like my mind.  I awoke this morning with my throat feeling as though I swallowed broken glass; merely blinking sends shockwaves of pain through my head.  My aching muscles no longer wish to be upright, rushing around in a self-induced tizzy; even my hair hurts.  This physical breakdown dovetails with last week’s realization…time to stop pushing, time to start accepting what I have become.  I could be hallucinating, but I believe I hear my bed calling my name, beckoning me to come for more than a minutes rest…  

At least some relief is forthcoming at work; after more than four months, my requests for a replacement finally registered with my boss.  In two weeks, someone will be taking over most of the office managerial duties.  While a few coworkers have expressed concern over the change, I welcome it with open arms and a newfound sense of peace.

Maybe I have reached the place where my weariness exceeds my reasonableness, the proverbial point of no return.  I am tired and ill beyond telling or caring, so off to bed I go…  I plan to lay it all down, and pray to receive the promised rest…

Wishing you sunshine and  hope…tg

Grief support group meeting, August 29, 2009 @ 1 p.m.; Panera Bread, Matthews, NC location.  All welcome to join us!  

Tammy will update her blog on Mondays and Thursdays.  -- Jen, site administrator  

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